Why Everyday Helicopter Parenting is Killing Your Kids (Probably)

I first came across the term ‘helicopter parents’ when I was researching a blog post here on the blog. I’d never heard of helicopter parents or parenting before. Actually, it sounded kinda cool – like the ‘Jet Set’.

But the sad truth is that helicopter parents are the opposite of cool. In fact they’re a total drag. No one wants to be one.

But imagine if you were displaying helicoptering tendencies without realising it? What if your every day habits added up to one big dose of overbearing fatherhood? Would that mean you’d change right away?

I’m going to challenge you here and now: I believe that you do display helicopter parent tendencies without even realising. I call this phenomenon:

Everyday Helicopter Parenting

It’s ‘everyday’ because you do it every freakin day. And you don’t even realise you’re a helicopter parent because you equate that with something terrible and extreme.

What is Helicopter Parenting?

How do you know if you’re a helicopter parent if you don’t know what it means. Here are two possible definitions:

• A parent who takes a an overprotective or excessive interest in their child or children
• A parent who hovers over their child all the time (like a helicopter)
• A parent who is ready to swoop in and rescue their child at any point in time (like a rescue helicopter).

So none of these are you – excessive/obsessive interest? Yeah right. But I’m not talking about the extremes of helicopter parenting. I’m looking into the daily little things you do that add up to a big ol’ Chinook.

Helicopter parenting is serious stuff too. Recent studies have drawn a correlation between overbearing mothers and behavioural problems in children. A report in the Guardian even quoted one of the researchers saying this about children learning emotional control:

“The problem here really is that if you don’t learn skills to self-regulate, how can you self-regulate when you leave the home, like [when] you go to school or you go to university? In a way it is a form of abusiveness – taking this opportunity away from children,” Source

The Three Signs You’re a Helicopter Father

Being a helicopter parent is bad. So do you want to know the signs that show you to be an everyday helicopter parent? I’ve written them down here for you.

1. You never let your kids fight

Picture the scene: You’re sitting reading the newspaper and sipping a cup of Earl Grey. In the distance you hear the sounds of raised voices followed by a “YOU’RE NOT IN CHARGE, LEAVE ME ALONE!!!”

You jump up in a rush, spilling your fragrant beverage as you spring for the door, hoping to put an end to this argument before it starts. You successfully intervene, placate both parties and, job done, settle back to reading the business headlines.

Give yourself a pat on the back. Your overbearing approach to arguments just cost your kids a valuable lesson: how to resolve conflicts without adult intervention.

But why is this bad?

In the book Emotional Intelligence, the author Daniel Gorman examines the importance of children developing their own strategies for resolving conflict. If you’re always hovvering, ready to sort things out, are they ever going to learn how to do it themselves?

Next time your kids are bickering, leave it a few minutes and see if they can sort it out themselves. If not, take on the role of coach rather than judge and jury to lead them to the correct resolution.

2. Your children are never out of your sight

When was the last time you let your kids play out of sight? If the answer is ‘never’ or ‘ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? THIS COUNTRY IS FULL OF (Insert criminal profile here)’ then congratulations:

You’re an overbearing, helicopter parenting life-phobe who is having an adverse effect on how your kids develop, understand risk and most importantly, build resilience and antifragility.

Here’s my experience.

When I was seven, I wanted to buy some marbles. And I mean I really wanted to buy them. These weren’t any old marbles. These were ‘Dukes’ – huge glass orbs the size of my fist (i.e. a ping-pong ball). I wanted some so, so badly. One of these monsters was worth ten ordinary marbles at least.

So, my mum let me and my older sister (9) catch the bus from our house into the town. When we couldn’t see the ‘marble section’ in the stationers, my sister asked the nice man where they were.

Lo-and-behold, here was an overflowing box of glowing glass trophies. We each bought one bag and caught the next bus home.

When I walked through that door, marbles in hand I felt like a conquering hero.

What did I learn that day? The joy of independence, the thrill of a mission successfully completed and the satisfaction of returning home having achieved results. Yes, of course my mum was worried sick until we returned.

But. It. Was. Worth. It.

3. You Don’t Let Your Kids Take Risks at the Play Ground

We love going to the play ground. Sometimes I’ll even get involved (and not just to show off doing pull ups and dips in front of the other dads  mums).

But did you ever see that Dad who walks around behind his kids, hands outstretched like some kind of walking, ten-fingered safety net? What is he doing? What is he adding to his kids’ experience or play.

When I was doing my training as a Play Area Inspector (yes – this is a real job and qualification), I learned an important lesson about outdoor play:

Part of the play experience is learning risk, danger and physical limits. Children learn by doing something, falling off and doing it again. Playgrounds are designed to test your child’s limits. If they get it wrong, at least there’s a soft landing.

But if you’re always hovering round them (like, say a helicopter?) then they’re never going to learn risk or experience their physical limitations. I know you feel like you’re helping or protecting them. But you’re not.

Next time, just sit on the bench at the side. You don’t even need to watch (hint: take a good book). If they fall, dust them off and send them back to play.

Don’t be ‘That Dad’ – The Helicopter One

If I’ve described you in anyway then don’t be downhearted. It’s not too late to change. It takes discipline and bravery to be a father willing to let go, especially if it’s all you’ve know.

I get it. My kids are my most treasured gift and it pains me to even think of them being hurt.

But by being overbearing and obsessively over-protective, you’re not helping them. In fact you’re harming them and affecting their future for the long term. Learn to let go. Your kids will thank you for it.

Neil

P.S. I do a lot more straight talking in my book ‘A Father’s Mission’ which is out now.