Ten Rules for Dads to Live By in 2018
What would lead me to write a post like this? It’s simple really. Every time someone asks me why I do what I do (write blogs, books and public speaking), the answer is simple.
I want to reach as many Dads as possible – to tell them that it is possible to be better, to do more and be more as fathers. I’m passionate about this because I used to be a fairly non committed man and father:
I’d slob around watching reality TV or mindlessly surfing the web or social media.
I’d dread the weekends because I couldn’t be taking it easy at my cosy government job.
I’d never take the opportunity to lead or teach my family about a better way.
But through a series of events, I was able to change. And so I believe other men can do the same.
All of this is the foundation of A Father’s Mission – the idea that you can and should be the best Dad you can be. Some would call that ‘intentional parenting’. I’d just call it fulfilling your responsibilities as a man.
The hardest thing about writing an article like this is trying to keep it as positive as possible. Rules that begin with ‘always’ rather than ‘never’ are more likely to be followed (ask any primary school teacher). Being the best Dad you can be should be fun, not a chore.
But what does all this look like in ‘the current year’. Can you really distil the idea of competent and masculine fatherhood into ten rules? Keep reading if you want to find out…
Not Everything Has to be ‘A Learning Experience’
Imagine if you just enjoyed life for a bit. I mean just enjoyed it – no agenda, no ‘this is making me fitter/smarter/a better father. Just experiencing life.
Not every moment has to be a step on your ‘journey of personal discovery’. If you believe in God, he wants you to be still sometimes and just experience. We’re all far too busy these days. Slow down, do some gardening – not because the apocalypse is coming – but because you enjoy it intrinsically.
Go for a walk, hike or jog – not for exercise, but because you love it. Read a trashy fiction book – Tom Clancy is perfect – and enjoy it because of its poorly written pulpy goodness.
Don’t Be a Gossip
Gossip is something I’d never really thought about until I started reading the James Altucher ‘Choose Yourself’ trilogy. He’s pretty down on gossip. And for good reason.
Gossip harms your relationships, affects your mood and could turn you into a passive aggressive little dweeb (science has proved this).
Here’s an experiment to try: go cold turkey on gossip. Nothing for a week. Sounds easy – but if you work with people (most of us do) you’ll be exposed to gossip at some point during the day. If you are, take the opportunity to leave the conversation.
Why? Let me put it this way – is your life going to be better or worse if you don’t gossip? How does engaging in gossip affect your ability to be an upright gentleman.
Find a Job You Love
I used to work in a job I hated. And then I took one I hated a little less. And then I ended up in one I hated more. And then I left.
And I took a job that I loved – one where I bound out of bed, I like the people I work with and I have the reign to be creative and kick ass at the same time – everything James Altucher admonished me to find in the Rich Employee.
Being positive in the work place will get you so far – but if you’re in a soul-sucking, repressive environment you’ll have to leave eventually. Make sure you move ‘up’.
And Leave it At a Sensible Time
Where does this idea come from that you need to work 11 hour days at the office to be productive? If you need to work that much just to keep ahead, the business is understaffed. If it’s the occasional late finish for a deadline then fine, but aim to be out of there at 6pm the latest.
Your job will take the best hours and years of your life. Don’t give it your evenings and weekends too.
Look After Your Body
In the city where I used to live – Glasgow, Scotland – the life expectancy of men born right now is 71 years. Yes you read that right. Seventy one years. (The national average is around 80).
So much of that discrepancy is down to diet, lifestyle and alcohol consumption. Men just don’t look after themselves. Why? What is so hard about looking after your body?
You don’t have to be super fit or ripped – the steps you need to get there are poor ROI for most.
I’ve been fit, fat and everything in between. But the difference you feel having shed a few pounds and eating a cleaner diet cannot be underestimated. If you want to be healthier, follow these simple tenets:
- Drink more water
- Be a bit more active
- Get more sleep
- Eat a little bit healthier
Keep doing this (yes I KNOW these aren’t SMART objectives – sue me) and you will feel better, more energised and healthier.
And Look After Your Mind
Why is it so easy to look after your body but not your mind? We happily spend hours running, lifting weights and preparing healthy meals. But when it comes to our mental health, we’re ‘Out to Lunch’.
Meanwhile, men’s mental health is in crisis. And it’s a global problem. Suicide is the single biggest killer of young men, even before car accidents.
Why not resolve to look after your mental health? Being a father is a tough job – you need to be at your peak to succeed and do the job right.
Here are three things you can do to look after your mental health
- Get some alone time: When was the last time you had some time to yourself? No distractions, no notifications? Go for a walk, a hike or do some fishing while you smoke a cigar or two.
- Do something creative:
- Use positive self talk:
Embrace ‘Survival Mode’
Do you ever feel like you’re barely getting through? Like you’re so busy/tired/caught up in family responsibilities that it’s all you can do to keep going?
The good news is you’re not alone. It’s something I like to call ‘survival mode’. I’ve entered into this numerous times, normally around some major upheaval (new child, moving house, unwell family member).
When I was going through final selection for the UK airborne forces as a reservist, I roomed with another soldier who told me his secret to getting through the toughest of physical and mental tests:
“I tell myself ‘nothing lasts forever'”
That’s stayed with me – the idea that whatever you’re facing, or the situation that you’re in isn’t going to last forever. Having that positive outlook is the first important step in getting out of survival mode.
Something else you can do is start to take your life back one activity at a time. When my second daughter was born last year it was tough. And my training and gym suffered – I didn’t go for weeks. So I started doing a little running, home workouts then gradually in the gym once a week until I was able to be back into a normal routine.
Yes it takes time and hard work but the laternative is letting whatever is afflicting you to own you.
Resolve to Read More Books
Do you know what isn’t a trust worthy source of information? It’s the streaming-247-all you can eat-always on demand media we are exposed to every minute of every day.
If the news is fake, imagine how true history is. – Nicolas Nassim Taleb
But that’s where you get the bulk of your information.
Recently while I was clearing out my parents’ attic, I came across an old single-volume illustrated encylopedia. It had amazing drawings and facts on a whole range of subjects – science, history, art, engineering. I remember flicking through it endlessly as a boy.
Now we give our kids iPads to play with while we flick on our phones (OK, it wasn’t all that rosy in the 1990’s, we had the Sega Megadrive after all).
Resolve to read more books – read on history, psychology, arts, crime, fiction, classics – whatever you want. Books take effort to write and read – scrolling on Twitter for outrage porn does not.
Be Loyal in Relationships
Why are personal relationships so disposable? How did we make this the case? In previous generations, you had friends for life. I mean actual friends, not some guy who was in your biology class and is now our ‘friend’ on Facebook, even though you could walk past him in the street and not recognise him, let alone want to talk to him.
When did marriage become “If I can’t get what I want out of this, I’m leaving. And I’m taking the kids with me.”?
I know people who have cut me out of their lives for no apparent reason. Worse, I’ve done it myself. Loyalty has been the biggest casualty of the digital age.
Commitment means nothing in a culture where, if your current relationship doesn’t work out you can just hop on Tinder and find another two-dozen women who will gladly sleep with you. If you get the lighting in your profile pic right.
Don’t Be Ruled By Your Emotions
It’s ironic that my final ‘rule’ is that you shouldn’t be ruled by something.
How often do you let your emotions get the better of you? It’s fine to have emotions. You’re not a robot are you.
But if you let anger, malice, or any other negative emotion be your master, then you, Sir, are a slave. Break free.
This post was a long time in the making – hours in fact. But if you take the ten minutes to read it, apply it and make it your own, you will not only improve your life, but the lives of those around you.
Is that not what we need in this year more than anything?
Neil
P.S. This post is a lot like my book. Just a bit shorter. You can buy it here.
