Building Confident Daughters: Rough Play for Girls

Does rough play with your girls delight or horrify you? It maybe seems out of touch or pre-modern to want to protect girls from the rough and tumble of the world. But do changed days mean changed toughness?

And what is the point of rough play? Is it just for fun or does it have a deeper value outside the intrinsic qualities of being in immersed in the moment with your daughter. I’ve previously written on the subject of rough play primarily with boys in mind but I’ve long wanted to look at the other side – rough play with girls.

Building Confident Daughters: What is Rough Play?

First, let me set out my stall on what I mean when I say ‘rough play’. I’m talking about any kind of rough and tumble games like

• Pretending to be a monster/rabid gorilla (just me?)

• Wrestling games that may or may not resemble pro wrestling

• Rugby scrums and tackles

• Tickle fights

These are games in which you actively participate in or initiate rather than the playful wrestling of siblings. Hopefully it’s something you already do but if not, keep reading.

I’d long had a desire to write this piece but I wanted to bring more than just my perspective. I know many of you enjoyed my Rough Play for Boys article and added some fantastic comments.

Which is why I also asked three friends to contribute to this article. Their input has been really valuable and made me think more about what it is I love about rough play.

For me the value in rough play is the re-connection with the physical. A while ago I spent a good hour digging out a tree stump. I’d already spend an hour previous on the same stump.

I couldn’t help wondering how many young men would even know how to dig out a tree in our modern times when only a few generations ago it would have been common knowledge. That physical connection with the land is something we are losing.

Only a few hours later I’d been watching Bloomberg when a commercial came on for a driverless car. This, coupled with the rebirth of VR (I’m old enough to remember it first time round) we’ll be even further from reality than ever.

It concerns me that a whole generation may grow up with a different outlook on reality – one where physical contact, personal risk and rough and tumble is lacking.

Which is why physical and rough play with your daughter is important. It’s through that physical play that you develop a closer bond of mutual trust as well as friendship and love. It develops her confidence while teaching her that you are someone safe – someone she can trust. Don’t believe me? I’ve got three committed Dads ready to convince you…

In researching for this blog post I was astounded at the web content dedicated to raising the self esteem of girls. What has gone wrong with girls’ confidence. Perhaps it’s not enough to listen to empowering Beyonce music if those same girls haven’t had the chance to build healthy, non physical bonds with their fathers.

Western Culture’s aversion to physical father-daughter relationships was highlighted during the 2016 U.S. Presidential election when many (including respected voices in the media) suggested an incestuous relationship between Donald Trump and his daughter Ivanka.

It’s time for you to reclaim your responsibility and right to bond with your daughter through rough play. Here’s why:

Imagine you grew up not knowing what physical trust was. You’d never played rough and tumble games and so you’d never learned how to pull a punch or control your own strength.

You’d be stunted emotionally and physically – never really understanding boundaries or male energy, strength and dominance. I see that element when my daughter roughhouses with her mother’s father (we call him Shen from the Gaelic for grandfather) – it’s always right on the edge of danger and risk with the occasional bump. And she loves it. It’s that little bit of danger, little bit of play that is such a winning combination.

My hope is this – through the rough play and fun of a strong father-daughter relationship, she’ll grow in personal strength, will and grace into a fine young lady. We won’t always wrestle, but our physical bond will never break.

Other Dads on How They Play Rough with Their Daughters

That’s enough from me for now. I asked three members of my Dad Network how they approach the subject of rough play. It’s great to have their additional perspectives to add to the discussion.

Lloyd (businessandbullets.com)

Before my first daughter was born, my Grandfather told me:

You’d be half a Dad if you don’t rough house with that girl. She needs a Dad just as much as a son would.

Humans need to move to be happy, and little girls are no different. From the moment I get home, my oldest wants to run and wrestle and climb my back. Her little sister, barely 18 months, wants to pretend she’s flying above me and laughs the entire time.

They’re happy playing with their mother, sure, but the way they light up when it’s time to rough house with Dad is something I’d never want to take away.

Lloyd is a businessman, father and hunter. Follow him on Twitter.

Raijan LOZ

I remember the when I told my friends my wife and I were having a baby and that she was a girl. Most of my friends had sons as their first child and over the next few months I had the “you’re not going to be able to…” conversation from each of them.

In response I put on a front but inside I kind of believed my parenting experience was going to be different to my friends until she finally arrived on a cold November evening.

Of course the connection my daughter had with my wife was incredibly strong but to ensure we had quality time together I decided to take her out every Sunday for bonding time while my wife had some time to herself.

My daughter over time has become a strong little character who loves “girlie” things but not fully accepting the female toddler stereotype of a little “princess” due to her readiness to climb anything or attack any challenge.

Around six months ago she started to “roll” with me; as a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu practitioner we train and spar at the end of sessions with the aim of submitting each other using a lock, hold or choke.

My daughter accompanied me to sessions watching from the sofa with her colouring books but over time began to take an interest jumping on me to attack while I’ve been doing solo exercises.

As our play has progressed she became quite competitive with her balance and reflexes showing great improvement. She now regularly accompanies me to our open mat sessions where we work on drills and movements as she is still a little young for the children’s classes.

I am not sure whether if she will keep her interest in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu but at the moment it’s “our thing” and I’m happy we are bond over something be it a little rougher than a make believe tea party (although she does throw quite a lively teddy bear soirée).

Raiijan LOZ (probably not his real name) is a former Secondary School teacher and current BJJ purple belt. Follow him on Twitter.

Neal Matheson (seeknottheancestors.com)

When Neil from ThisDadDoes dot com asked me to write a paragraph or two on roughhousing with my daughter, I thought it would be a nice, easy way to help out one of the good guys. That was of course before I sat down to write it.

The thing is asking “why I play fight with my kids” is a bit like asking “why do you breathe”?

The thing is it is a natural consequence of us being together. There is a very strong evidence base showing how important roughhousing is to children’s development so I can’t use my usual cheat method of metaphorically jumping up and down on overweight SJWs.

I can think that wrestling builds strength, endurance and that hard to define quality of consent and limits in play. We develop the empathetic skill to understand when “no” actually means “I am unhappy” not “tickle me more Daddy”.

Rough housing really is the preserve of dads. Sure some of it comes from the physical ability to throw the kids about, some of it is the little bit of disconnect men have that allows you to play just a little bit too close to the edge. And part of it is the ability to take your licks like a man. My kids are strong: I often get hurt.

Mostly Mum wants to care and nurture for her children Dad wants to play with them.

Want your kids well fed, clean and dressed? ask mum.

Want your daughter pile-driven onto the sofa?

Well that’s a job for Dad.

Neal is a fellow Scot and outdoorsman. Follow on Twitter.

Summary

When I read what those other Dads wrote about their experiences with rough play, I’m struck by how similar their outlook (and the eventual results) have been. We all have daughters who are growing up to be strong, confident you women. And not a whiff of 3rd wave feministic indoctrination in sight.

Ultimately you want your daughter to be able to live independently and without the need for your protection. Hopefully she’ll find her own Protector in time. But choosing to ‘play rough’ with her is developing such a strong bond as well as giving her valuable life skills and confidence.

There are lots of fathers out there who don’t see the value in rough play for girls.

But This Dad Does.

Neil.

P.S. If you liked this, you’re going to love my new book which is out later this year. Sign up for updates (and an early preview copy) here.