7 Lessons from 7 Years of Marriage

As you get older, life starts to go very quickly. I was looking at some old photographs from a skiing holiday in France recently only to realise that they are ten years old! I can remember parts of that holiday like they happened yesterday.

As spring progresses, I’m also reminded of seven years of marriage.

Seven years. That’s a long time. I have friends and members of my Dad network who didn’t make it to seven years for whatever reason.

A newly married friend of mine once said ‘The best thing about being married is not having to plan the wedding’. His marriage is now (unsurprisingly perhaps) over.

My experience has been different and although it’s not all been fields of daisies and rose water, the last seven years have been the best of my life.

In seven years of marriage I’ve learned a lot about interpersonal relationships, money, myself and of course, being a Dad.

I never did the whole ‘living together’ thing with my wife. Before we were married we lived apart, sometimes in different continents. It worked well.

But can I pick out seven things I’ve learned from these seven years? Keep reading to find out!

1. I’m the Most Selfish Person I Know

A wise member of my Dad network said to me soon before my wedding day, ‘I never realised how selfish I was until I got married’. I can only assume that the purpose of this was to warn me of the same realisation further down the line.

For me, every day is a voyage of discovery in terms of my own self-centredness. Whether it’s spending too much time looking at my smartphone or sneaking off to hear the football scores when I’m supposed to be feeding my daughter yogurt, I can often find 100 things I’d rather be doing than the thing I should be doing.

I am selfish.

One technique I’ve started using is something I picked up off a podcast by Chris from Good Looking Loser. He gets distracted a lot and so suggests this trick:

When you get side tracked, repeat this statement:

‘I must do the most productive thing at any moment.’

If you’re playing GemStones 4 when you’re supposed to be parenting, you’re not.

2. Lack of Money puts Strain on a Marriage

Our first couple of years married were tough. I was working 7-5, 6 days a week as a manual labourer while she was working evenings and weekends as a waitress.

After a few months we were students. We had no money and had to use savings for day-to-day living expenses as well as relying on student loans.

You’ve probably heard it said ‘Money doesn’t buy happiness.’ which is true, but a lack of money will make you stressed, irritable and constantly anxious.

We came out the other end and the relationship is undoubtedly stronger as a result. However it was a difficult time of firstly, hardly seeing each other and secondly, having no money.

Recently I’ve had a mindset shift when it comes to money. I used to see money and it’s accumulation as neutral, even slightly negative. However I’m reminded of this quote when I think about how I view money these days:

“Having money allows you to do good in the world. Having money allows you to avoid compromising your values. Money gives you access to better food, better healthcare and better charity.” – Mike Cernovich

I never want to, or plan to be, in the situation of near destitution again. I’ve fought hard since then to save and live frugally as well as build up other income streams. Providing for my wife and family is top priority.

3. Distance and Personal Space are as Important as Intimacy

This seems to be a common misconception: That once hitched, you will be joined together like a limpet to a rock.

Wrong – unless you or your wife is some kind of uber-insecure mess. The truth is you need personal space and ‘me-time’ whether that’s on the golf course, the gym, or she’s at running club, yoga, evening classes or sewing group.

I was engaged for 20 months, 11 of which I spent out of the country. It was tough but it made me and our relationship more resilient.

That resilience and discipline that comes from enforced separation is something you can’t buy at some marriage counselor’s surgery.

Newly married, I would go fishing in my spare time. I would sit in the sunset, smoking a cigar and occasionally catching a fish.

Men need this solitude and time to think. Just because you have kids doesn’t mean you can’t have it – you just need to be more organised if you’re going to have true ‘alone time’ like this.

Try this: Once the kids are in bed, go for a long walk. The quiet of the evening will soothe your mind. Find some running water, sit by it. Focus on the shapes and sounds. Pray if you need to. Or you could try taking a salt bath which will also improve sleep and recovery from exercise.

4. Learning to be a Dad from Scratch

Guess what? No one can teach you how to be a Dad.

If you’re lucky, you had a good Dad who was a positive role model and influence on your life growing up.

If you’re lucky.

But even then, you need to figure out about 95% of this whole fatherhood thing for yourself. I remember packing my week-old son into his car seat for the trip back to the apartment. I was thinking to myself:

‘What have I done? I have no idea how to take care of one of these things.’

No amount of parenting books or well meaning advice can prepare you fully for being a Dad. It’s mostly on the job learning. That’s one of the reasons why I don’t give out a lot of parenting advice.

Because I don’t have it figured out.

I only show you what has worked for me in my situation. If you try it and it works for you, great. If not but something else does, tell me about it.

This isn’t meant to be a one way conversation where I tell you how to raise your kids/sell you stuff like the plethora of mediocre generic ‘award winning’ Dad Blogs out there.

I will tell you what works for me and about the experiences that have made me the person I am. If that helps you, great. If not, at least I hope you enjoyed reading!

5. Perseverance and Discipline beat Virality and Luck

Every year on TV we have the ‘X-Factor’. If you live outside the UK, you probably have something similar – a music talent show that picks out a ready-made pop star.

They are overnight successes. Thrust into the limelight they are destined for fame.

But it doesn’t last. Out of the last few years I’d struggle to name more than a handful of ‘winners’. Most are quickly forgotten.

Contrast that with well established musicians who worked from the ground up. Playing in every dive and every pub’s back room. Sleeping the back of a van, they worked for their eventual success.

Conor McGregor, the UFC fighter was touted as an ‘overnight success’. Except he’d been working for years mastering his craft before his break into the mainstream. That’s real success.

And it lasts.

What does that have to do with marriage?

Once the honeymoon period is over, a marriage comes down to perseverance and discipline (among other things). That consistent approach of making it work every single day is what keeps a happy home.

This translates into other areas of life. Viral growth for a website or a product isn’t sustainable. I’ve had posts that have had huge spikes in reader numbers.

But the next day, things are back to normal. And I’m back to the 20 Mile March of producing good free content that Dads like me want to read.

I’ve seen it in other situations too. Men who have been blessed with the genetics required to sport ‘6 pack abs’ fail the most basic fitness test.

Why?

Because they don’t have the mental discipline and toughness of having started at the bottom – an unfit, overweight slob who could barely run to the end of the street.

Read my ‘12 Week Transformation‘ post. Do you think I was able to maintain that over a long period of time using the same methods?

No – because it’s not sustainable. Instead I was back to grind of limiting junk foods, controlling calorie intake and getting my training and cardio done.

I’ve learned not to focus on the big breaks, or to value fuzzy feelings over all. Once these things fade, you’re back to basics. For the long term. Perseverance and discipline wins.

Every time.

6. Pride and Humility

A lot of problems in relationships (marriage included) come down to pride. Our own sense of self worth and status is more important than putting our hands up and saying ‘I was wrong to act in that way and I’m sorry.’

If we’re wired a certain way – introvert, extravert, reflective learner, active learner – we shouldn’t be judged on how we process information.

But that doesn’t give us a free pass to treat others any way we want.

It takes a man to admit that he’s wrong. Only children pursue a course of obstinacy when it’s clear they are mistaken.

If you’re wrong, admit it. Being humble goes a long way. Being an arrogant fool will lose you respect, friends or even more.

7. Family, Growing Up and the Beginning of the End for Selfishness

I was reading a book recently which said that most parents start a family for purely selfish reasons. That may be true for some however true selfishness would be:

• Wanting to maintain near unlimited free time
• Minimising time spent with extended family, including the ‘in laws’
• Not wanting to share your life with anyone or anything so you can do what you want

I got married because I wanted to share my life with that person. I wanted kids because I wanted to share my marriage and home with more people. And I wanted people around me, including my parents, to share in my family.

Wanting to share something with someone is not selfish.

Wanting to share your life with others is not selfish.

Wanting to bring children into the world for the betterment of the human race is not selfish.

Having children means sacrifice. Sacrifice cannot be selfish by definition.

I remember where I was when I realised this: The point at which I decided I wanted to start a family.

This was point at which I grew up: When I understood that it wasn’t just about me. It might just be about others too.

Here’s to the Next Seven Years

Seven lessons from seven years. But that doesn’t mean it’s been one lesson per year. Some years are full of learning, others you just get on with things.

The grind.

Adding kids into the mix has been a blast. I’ve never laughed or cried so much. I’m psyched about watching them grow and finding out what makes them tick, what their interests are, what annoys them…

As I see This Dad Does grow (March saw the highest page views yet), I’m also excited for the future of the site. It’s only been a few months but things are building. Having a wife who is supporting and helping through this process is great.

So here’s to marriage. And here’s to the next seven years.

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