From Single Life to Fatherhood: 5 Lessons Learned

I love getting readers comments and questions. So whenever I get a reply to one of my mailing list emails, I get excited. The latest came from a long time follower and subscriber to ThisDadDoes.com along with a simple question:

“What lessons do you have from Fatherhood that you could teach single/unmarried guys?”

I’ve had a few weeks to think this over and with some input from my wife, I’ve come up with a list of things that I’ve learned about life since becoming a father.

What I want to do is share these with you – if you’re a Dad, maybe you’ll identify with this post. If you’re a younger, single guy,  maybe you’ll learn something you didn’t know about life.

You might hear this said: ‘Hindsight is a wonderful thing’ – normally when something has gone wrong that you didn’t see coming until it was too late.

So wouldn’t it be great if there was a way to learn from other people’s mistakes before you make them yourself.

The reader question itself doesn’t surprise me. Although I write primarily for Dads, I know for a fact that a whole range of people read and identify with my writing – Mums, Grandparents and single guys.

In fact a comment I get a lot is this:

“I’m not a Dad yet, but you’ve given me some great ideas and advice for when I am.”

Which is pretty cool. My vision is to provide you with value from my own experiences so feedback like this lets me know I’m on the right track.

So what about the lessons I’ve learned? There’s a few. And some were painful to learn. But in learning them I’ve become stronger and more effective as a man and a father. Here’s what I mean:

Use Your Abundant Time and Energy While You Have It

I left school aged 17 and after 3 years of University, I got a job, a flat and a car. I was making good money and had minimal debts (University tuition is government funded in Scotland). I had incredible amounts of free time with almost no responsibilities and commitments.

Evenings and weekends stretched before me like endless plains of possibilities – the only limit was my imagination.

What could I have done?

• Read the classics
• Started a side-business
• Taught myself a new skill
• Learned everything I could about fitness and nutrition
• Spend my weekends camping and hiking in the beautiful Scottish Mountains

What list! So you’d be thinking I made good use of all the time and energy.

And you’d be wrong.

Instead my evening weekends consisted of eating junk food, playing computer games, watching vapid TV programmes, hanging out with friends and sleeping.

I’d also drink to excess on a regular basis.

Hundreds and hundreds of hours wasted playing shooter and strategy games, watching TV and recovering from hangovers.

In a 2 year period I read 2 books. Both fiction.

This lifestyle had an impact on my energy levels. I was constantly tired. I would sleep until the last minute before work (it only took me 10 minutes to drive to the office). I spent a lot of time working on the road and ate accordingly.

My favourite lunch was an ‘All-Day Breakfast Triple’ sandwich, a slab of tablet (a Scottish candy bar made from sugar and butter) and a coke.

I used to get intense headaches at regular intervals – so much so that I’d have stashes of painkillers all over – in my car, my coat and my flat.

My early 20’s were a write off and not through a lack of resources.

Now I’m a Dad, time and energy are scarce. Like water in the desert, they become commodities in their own right.

People say time is money – I say it’s more valuable. After working a full time job, looking after and spending time with my kids and keeping a house in order you’ll have maybe 3-4 hours per night to do your thing.

The question is: What will you spend that time doing? Will you spend it watching mindless television programmes or sports that you care little for the players or the results?

Or could you use it to build, learn or create something?

Don’t Waste Your Disposable Income

Living as a young, professional single guy I had a fair bit of cash. I wasn’t loaded but I didn’t need to worry about money month to month. I could afford nice clothes, entertainment, food and skiing holidays abroad.

But I saved very little. My spending habits meant that I could only put by a little cash each month – better than nothing but hardly a respectable amount.

Now I have kids which comes with the added bill of childcare plus debts from a couple of mortgages, my disposable income has taken a hit. And the years of opportunity where I had the opportunity to save more have passed.

That’s not to say I didn’t save my money – but there was no objective in mind other than ‘maybe I’ll save up and buy that Japanese sports car I always wanted’.

Looking back, there were two things I could have done better with my abundant resources:

1. Reduced my costs and saved and invested more money in the stock market. Unnecessary spending cost me dearly. I could have lived a lot cheaper and saved a heap of cash. I wouldn’t have had the same lifestyle that I enjoyed, but I’d be better off that I am right now. After all, it’s not how much you earn, it’s how much you keep that matters

2. Find ways of making more money: With all the free time I had, there was ample opportunity to make more money. What I lacked was the drive and the mindset to make it happen. If you’re a young man, there are literally hundreds of ways you can make money today. The online economy is booming through sites like Uber and AirBnB as well as buying and selling on eBay or freelancing through sites like Fiverr and Upwork. You don’t even need special skills – you easily can make a bit of extra money doing or selling something.

Your early to mid 20’s is the ideal time to learn about business and make financial mistakes. When you’re a Dad, the stakes are too high to go all in or take big risks. So take them when they’re young.

If things go wrong, you have time to recover. If they go right, you’ll be retiring aged 40.

Having said this I don’t believe you should squirrel away all your money and live like a monk. Enjoy your 20s. I did. But spend money on experiences that you’ll remember your whole life. James Altucher goes into detail on this in his now seminal book Choose Yourself.

I did some incredible things in my 20’s such as:

• Travelling through Norther Pakistan to China
• Snowboarding in France and Switzerland
• Living in East Africa for a year
• Travelling across Sweden

Enjoy money, but use it wisely.

Playing the Fitness Long Game

Two years ago I was exhausted. I had overdone everything: work, training, diet. The simultaneous combination of working too hard, not eating enough and training up to 8 times a week caught up to me and I folded.

It wasn’t pretty.

I was so sick and exhausted that I struggled to stay standing for long periods of time. My daughter was born around this time and I had to stay seated during the birth for fear of collapsing.

Up until that point I’d been getting brainwashed by others and myself. I’d been watching the YouTube channels that tell you “There’s no such thing as overtraining.”  Which is probably right if you’re on unbelievable amounts of drugs and human growth hormone.

But for regular guys like me, it’s a myth. There is such a thing as overtraining – I’ve been there.

The problem was I told myself that I didn’t care. I’d rather beat my body into submission now. There’s plenty of time to rest in the old folk’s home, right?

The problem with that attitude is this: every injury and every time you ‘overdo’ it adds up. You might not suffer a crippling injury straight away but small injuries to back and knees have a habit of building up to bigger ones.

If you’re constantly tight and sore and lack flexibility, is your training regime making your life better or worse?

My training has shifted in the last year towards enhancing my life, not defining it. I want to have energy and flexibility

Building a Network of Strong Men

Just about anyone will tell you that one of the keys to business success is networking. Those who have a strong network succeed, while those without struggle.

But what about life? Why spend time building up a professional network but being isolated when your go home at 5pm. Increasingly, our society is becoming more and more lonely. Some recent studies have shown that most people have 2 or maybe 3 friends they can rely on. Nearly half of this study only had one.

One person outside their family that they could go to when they were in trouble.

Since my early 20s I’ve worked hard to build up a network of men, many of whom are now fathers. These men are levellers, helpers, business advisers and confidants.

They include fund managers, CEOs, national directors, sole traders, actors and journalists. Having connections makes you stronger than the sum of your parts.

This network becomes even more important when you reach fatherhood. It’s hard work being a Dad and can be stressful. While there are resources in books or online, much of this is either targeted at women or at what I call ‘Mummy-Daddys’ (men who’s parenting style mimics a mother’s).

Older men have lived through the experiences of life and the trials of fatherhood and are in the best position to guide you.

If you don’t have a network, it can be difficult to know where to start. Many of the men I know I’ve met through my church. But if you’re not religious there are alternatives such as a sports club or interest group or even a meeting for other dads such as father-son bushcraft classes.

You won’t grow a strong network on Twitter or through Skype calls, you need to go out there and meet real people, real men.

Reaching Fatherhood and Becoming a Leader

Good leaders are hard to find. I’ve worked in business now for 12 years and have known 2 or 3 good, strong leaders.

Some of the ‘rest’ were weak or just plain incompetent.

But when you become a father, you also become a leader. Before it was just the two of you and things were simple. Add another one or two and you’re going to have a lot more leadership responsibilities.

Looking back, I was completely unprepared for this change in my life. While I focused on the ‘fun’ aspects of being a father in my pre-Dad days, I forgot about the long term responsibility that comes with bringing another human being into adulthood.

One thing’s for sure, your leadership will be challenged on a near daily basis. Your kids will become adept and finding every weakness they can. And exploiting it.

But they will also respond well to strength, consistency and fairness.

It’s your choice really – you can choose to demonstrate strength of character by being leader in your own home.

Or become a doormat for your children – something that is difficult to shake off once the habits and patterns are established.

The best way to learn leadership is to study those who you see as being strong leaders – that could be through books or by spending time with men in your network.

Think about the qualities of leaders and how that would look in a family situation. It’s never too early to do this – even if you’ve no plans of having children in the near future. Leadership is a transferrable skill into all areas of life.

But in fatherhood, it’s important above all else.

Why I’ll Never Be the Model Father

The ‘model father’ is a strange idea – like some men are in a position to be better or worse than others at fatherhood.

That some men just ‘have it’ when it comes to being a Dad.

But the truth is that we all start from the same place. However it’s the choices we make that define whether we succeed or fail.

As you can see I’ve made good and bad choices as a young man and as a father. And we’re all still learning every day.

But that’s the trick, the key to unlocking this whole puzzle that is fatherhood and adult life in general: keep learning, always be curious, don’t dwell on mistakes and know that tomorrow is a new day for you to be more and to do more.

Neil

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