Should You Be Your Son’s Best Friend?
Lets get it out there: this post is going to divide opinion. I know for a fact that there are Dads who regularly read and follow this blog (and who I know personally in real life) who are going to disagree with what I’m about to say. That’s fine.
We’ll still be friends. But you must know I didn’t start this website to be ‘Just Another Dad Blog dot com’ (plus, that domain’s already taken – I checked).
If there’s one thing I’ve found since I started writing on Father/Son relationships, it’s that these posts get the most views, the most comments and the most interest. And not just from Dads either – over 45% of my readership is female.
It’s a hot topic because no-one is really (and I mean really) addressing the kind of questions that we all have in how we relate to our boys.
I even get comments from young guys saying ‘I’m not a Dad yet, but when I do have kids, I’m definitely going to remember that’. Which is a great complement.
Why is it a problem that no one is really addressing this aspect of Father/Son relationships?
Because the game has changed. Father/Son relationships are different today from what they were 30 or 40 years ago when our own Dads were starting out as new parents.
The expectations of society on the role of a father is has changed considerably. Some of this inversion is positive, some of it is not.
I don’t want to go into all of these changes in this post (there’s enough in that subject for 4 or 5 posts) but one question is this:
Have we gone to far in attempting to reach out to our sons and be accessible?
These days, many Dads are expected (or even expect) to be their son’s best friend. But is that right? Is being a Dad-Friend part of modern Fatherhood or is it a step too far for the Father/Son relationship?
What is a Friend?
Interestingly, Google’s dictionary defines friendship as follows:
A person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relations.
In other words, this popular definition says that a friend is someone that you like (and likes you) but you don’t share a bed or any genetic material with.
Scientific studies have shown the benefits of friendships for child development. In a 30 year long study published in the Journal ‘Child Development‘ (2008) it was found that children who had normal friendships with peers grew up to have a greater sense of self worth. However kids who were friendless at school had a greater tendency towards “psychopathological symptoms in adulthood”.
So friendships are pretty important for your son’s development. If he has friends, he’s more likely to grow up to be a confident, well adjusted man. If he’s friendless, he could turn into a psychopath.
And no-one needs that.
Did you Marry Your Best Friend?
Don’t skim over this section if you’re not married. It might apply to you one day. I’m sure you’ve heard or even said this yourself:
I married my best friend
It’s a guaranteed ‘AWWWWWW’ for wedding speeches. But is it true? Maybe for some people. Was it true for me?
Did I marry my best friend? No – I married the woman I love. My best friend is a male that I share interests and experiences that I’ll never have with my wife.
Because the two relationships are completely separate, it’s not possible, nor was it ever so, for me to marry my best friend.
Plus, I’d hate to be married to my best friend. We’d drive each other nuts in a couple of days and probably end up punching each other. Repeatedly.
So, do you see what have we learned so far?
- Friendship is a unique relationship
- I might love my wife very much, but she’s not my friend
- Your son needs peer friends to avoid becoming a psychopath in later life
So, is it OK to want to be your son’s best friend? Keep reading to find out…
Should you Try to be Your Son’s Best Friend?
Well, should you? If you’ve read the post up till now, you can probably guess what my opinion is:
A Father/Son relationship should not be a friendship.
Let me qualify this a bit further:
1. A Father/Son Relationship is not equal
Imagine you had a friendship where one member of the partnership was dominant. They gave the orders, called the shots and told the submissive party when to eat, sleep, brush their teeth and go to the toilet. That would suck wouldn’t it?
Now unless you’re some kind of weird foo-foo hippy Dad (in which case you’re probably not reading this anyway) you do order your kids around at times. Some days you need to exert your authority just to get to daycare or school on time.
And this is totally healthy. More than that, it’s what you son needs to develop properly:
Studies have shown that kids who have permissive relationships with parents(i.e. they’re allowed to do what ever they want) are more likely to respond to future conflict with violence.
Kids who are placed in the paternal ‘Friend Zone’ do not feel a greater connection with their parents and may even feel greater distress as a result. (Source)
2. Your Son Needs to Develop Friendships with Peers
Just as your son needs you to be a Dad for him, he also needs the opportunity to develop his own friendships with his peers.
You see, the study I referred to above (the one when the friendless kids turned into Hannbal Lecter) looked at friendships with peers. Your son needs peer friends more than he needs a Dad-Friend. You still have a role to play, but you’re not his ‘best bud’.
Another interesting dimension of this is the theory of social proof. In Robert Cialdini’s book, Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, Cialdini recalls his son’s attempts at learning to swim.
Try as he might, he couldn’t convince his son to enter the pool without an inflatable ring. No amount of cajoling, bribery or encouragement could persuade him to swim without the flotation aid.
But when his son went to a pool party at his best friend’s house (the friend being of similar age but swimming without a ring), he discarded the blow-up crutch permanently.
It was the social proof – of seeing his peer swim unaided – that caused Cialdini’s boy to develop physically and mentally. He needed the friendship of a peer much more than he needed his Dad’s support and encouragement.
Conclusions
It hurts, doesn’t it? Knowing that your son doesn’t really need you all that much – or not as much as you thought. Or hoped.
He doesn’t necessarily want you to be ‘into Star Wars’ or to play Minecraft for hours with him. Or to take him on outward bound adventures every single weekend.
Judging when he does want you to do those things is your job as a Dad – to get to know him enough to see when he needs you. And when he needs space.
Trust me, he does need you, but not as a best friend.
He needs you as a Father.
How Would I Define my Relationship with my Son
Here’s what I feel that some Dad’s have missed: In the revolution of fathers taking a more active interest in their children and participating in their development, we’ve overstepped the mark of what our kids want or need.
I’ve given some thought to the kind of relationship I’d like to have with my son. I’d describe it as a combination of Platoon Sergeant and Life Coach.
A Platoon Sergeant (in an infantry platoon at least) is concerned with discipline, welfare, development and training of the men under his command. He’s a confidant and a carer. But the young private should never confuse that relationship with friendship.
A life coach knows how to give advice in a way that allows those under their tutelage to reach their own conclusions and solutions. The life coach may make suggestions or provide guidance but ultimately the person receiving the coaching has to take responsibility for the outcome.
For the Future
Will there be times where my son needs the support and understanding of a Father? Undoubtedly. And I plan to be around to give it to him too. Father/Son is a unique relationship. It cannot be defined in the context of mere friendship – that does it a disservice.
Does he need me to be his best friend? No.
Does he need strong direction, a provider, a leader and a disciplinarian who leads by example?
Yes.
And those are qualities only a Father can give him.
P.S. Did you enjoy this? They you’ll probably like some of my other Father/Son writing including:
Good post. Would be better with anecdotal evidence. Plus who doesn’t like to hear stories?
Jeremy, thanks! First-time commenter as well. The inspiration for this post was my own son – he’s nearly 4 and just learning about friendships and other types of relationship. He came up to me, wrapped his arms around me and said ‘You’re my best friend’. Initially I was touched – it’s a cute thing to say. But then I started to think more about what he’d said and whether that was how I wanted our relationship to be defined in the future. I guess I wrote this post to try to understand that and to get the discussion going on whether other TDD Dads think it should be encouraged or not.
Neil,
I’ve never defined the type of father I want to be in terms of specific roles – or in terms of what its not about. I’d also be wary of visualising it in terms of the platoon sergeant and the life coach. Neither of these guys will be equipped to deal with the first time he gets dumped by a girlfriend and neither of them will be able to provide the sort of companionship he’ll want when you share an experience you both enjoy; camping, going to the match or even a long car journey.
My oldest son is 10 and he’s only just starting to realise how important being a father is to me. Yeah, he needs me less than he did, but more than he knows. Its ok though, I’m enjoying watching him become his own man.
With my youngest, who is 8, I often explain my role to him in terms of us being best mates because I know he already understands this concept very well.
After all, a best friend never lets you down, a best friend will always try to raise your spirits when everything looks bleak, they’ll forgive you when you screw up and they’ll stand by you when you are afraid.
You’re right, boys have to find their own best friend but their dad has to do all of the above too. I guess that’s where the line is blurred.
There will be times when you’ll need to fulfill a whole variety of roles, often in the same day. Some of them are great fun and others an exhausting necessity but there are times when that role is at least akin to that of a best friend. I guess this is why its important not to overthink it.
Very thought provoking piece mate.
Tom, thanks for commenting and for your insight. A lot of guys have been querying the Platoon Sergeant analogy and although I’d planned to qualify it further, it was turning into another blog post which I’ll finish and publish soon. I agree with your last point: that modern fatherhood blurs a variety of roles together. My wariness with the paternal ‘Friend Zone’ would be that focusing on this as the foundational basis of a Father/Son relationship can be harmful especially if it is at the expense of peer friendships. It’s entirely possible I’ll have a different view in 6 years (or even 6 months).
I think you’re probably both right.
I see fatherhood (2 sons, 9 & 7) as a role primarily of teaching.
It’s my job to teach them how to be a friend and to maintain friendships and how can I do that without example? But once I teach them that, I’m going to back off and let them make their own choices.
I think that’s the reason I don’t see it as being a best friend in and of itself.
Friendship shouldn’t be forced upon them. Friends should be who they choose and those choices are typically made from commonalities.
My son isn’t going to share my interests. I accept that.
I totally agree, I’m not my sons’ best friend, I’m their daddy. I’m head of the household (and by head I don’t mean big angry boss, but servant to all). I keep them safe so they can stretch and grow without fear. I give them sensible boundaries. I tell them to go to sleep when it’s late. I teach them how to be.
I can’t imagine how it would be for them if I was just their friend in a nice little happy community of equals. For them to have to feel that weight of responsibility. Any successful enterprise needs leadership, and in our family that’s me.
Hi Nicholas – thanks for commenting (first time commenter!!). I like your definition of ‘head of the household’ as servant. I think that’s where I was going with the Platoon Sergeant thing – that his primary interest is for the wellbeing and discipline of his troops. My experience growing up was of a strong, dominant father figure which is what I want to convey on to my kids as they develop.
When a Son is growing up, he needs his Father to be just that, the man in his life guiding, shaping & molding him into to man he will become. When a Son is an adult, he needs his Father to be his friend. They may not be best friends, but there’s nothing wrong with that if the Son has other friends as well.
First I am grateful to have stumbled across this site. Thank you Mr. White for what you are doing to assist fathers and their sons too. There is no doubt that fathers are so very important in their children’s life! I agree with Laurie Jones too about it being okay to be your son’s friend once they become adults but when they are children/adolescents and teenagers they need you to be their father, protector, provider, security maker, etc. In my opinion based on what I have seen as a police officer for the last 22 years and what I have gone through with raising of my own children too, it is detrimental that fathers be in their sons and daughters lives and assist with creating sons and daughters who are resilient and know they are worthy and deserving to create the very best life for themselves and their children too.
I have 5 children (4 sons and 1 daughter). My first husband is the father to my oldest 3 children we divorced after being together for 10 years and married for 6 1/2 of those 10 years. He struggled in his teenage years and I was someone who wanted to “fix him” and was afraid to break up with him because he threatened suicide ever time I did. I never told anyone this because I didn’t want anyone to judge him. He struggled with keeping a job, but I always was there trying to build him up working multiple jobs until he was able to find worth in himself which was done by him enlisting in the military. This was the best thing for him and he was able to excel in this structured environment. It was his career that gave me the courage and realization that I was capable of raising 3 children on my own and would be okay with being alone. However, once we divorced and he met his 2nd wife the following year, he moved on and our children were no longer his problem or his priority – they were 6, 5 and 18 months. I remarried a man who I am still married to. We have been together for 21 years. He has been a great provider but has done very little with building a positive relationship with my children who in my opinion have been amazing step children. He has been around longer then their own father yet he can’t even tell them he loves them even when they have shared their feelings with him which they have done so of and on usually during times of crisis. And to make things worse, he and I had two sons together and it is more than evident he loves them because he openly shares his feelings with them too but still chooses, for whatever reason, not to share his feelings with my children. The only emotions he shares with them is usually via his body language or when he is not in a great mood. This obviously only created more emotional/psychological pain for my children and quite frankly myself as well. The Pygmalion effect (which I only recently learned about) to the nth degree going on right under my nose – I could see it, feel it and sought out counseling and assistance to try and fix it too but really still to this day nothing has changed except I have 3 adult children who don’t believe in themselves nor do they feel they are worth very much either. They are all, in my opinion, doing a good job at trying to make life work, but don’t have the resiliency or the fight in them to go after and fight for and claim what they deserve in this life. They all have hearts of gold and deserve to find peace and happiness. My oldest son has joint custody of his twin sons who are four years old. He stayed in a severely abusive relationship with their mother because he didn’t want his boys to grow up without a mother and father. He is currently training to be a pharmacy technician. He got this job because of his great work ethic and leadership skills. My 2nd boy received custody of his 3 children after their mother walked out and decided to terminate her parental rights. He has since re-married after rekindling a “best friend” relationship from junior high school and moved to Texas with his 3 kids (5, 3 & 1) and they have 5 kids under the age of 9 together and are working hard to raise these 5 little ones with what little they have. He is the type of person that works so hard and assist everyone else but doesn’t take care of himself nor does he ask for what he deserve either so he gets taken advantage of. My daughter has serious father issues and anyone who shows her a little attention she falls head over heals for which has ended up hurting her over and over again. She is a dialysis technician and has a 2 year old daughter. She is also enrolled in college working towards a nursing degree. She currently is working at trying to mend things with her daughter’s father. They been off and on again for 5 years. I’ve done everything you can imagine possible and still am continuing to do what I can to assist all of them with healing so they can move forward and develop the resiliency they deserve and are in need of so that they know they are capable of doing whatever they chose in this world to include being the best parents to their own children and breaking the cycle of mental anguish that they have had to endure.
I share my own story because I feel it is valuable to be vulnerable and because I am hopeful that someone may benefit by hearing it. I also share it because as an officer, time and time again I have seen children/adolescents/teenagers and adults for that matter belittled, berated and treated as “less than” by their father/mother/significant other. I believe children can teach us parents just as much and sometimes even more if we are open to having a genuine relationship with them with or without any type of label (i.e., father/son, best friends, etc.). We all have the same desires and wants in this world even as children with the biggest ones being wanting to be accepted and loved. Our children more than ever need us as parents, not when everything is going great, but when they are struggling no matter their age. As a police officer, I have had to wear many hats – some of which I haven’t been qualified in my opinion to wear but needed to do so in order to get the job done. As a father or mother, I believe we too must wear many hats. I also believe we don’t own our children and if we want truly healthy children, we must be healthy ourselves. Our example as parents has got to match our actions, words and deeds else it become confusing and/or hypocritical to our children.
As a police officer for 3 1/2 years I held the assignment of school resource officer and during this time, I found no greater joy then believing in a child and walking side by side with them while they healed and then went on to set goals and achieve them. Most of the children I assisted were labeled “at risk” kids who came from broken abusive homes. I even have had the honor and privilege to assist some “at risk” adults too which interestingly enough also came from broken abusive homes. How did I assist these individuals? I told them I believed in them – even when they were at their lowest point. All of them wanted something different in life then what was being offered to them at home but trying to get that all alone was challenging, overwhelming and felt impossible – that changed when someone else believed in them, told them “I believe in you”, and loved them instead of judging them based on things they could or couldn’t change as children/adolescents/ teenagers and/or even adults.
Once again thank you for what you are doing because habits both positive and negative only change when we first become aware that change is needing to be made. You have been doing something positive to try and assist with change things in this category for the betterment of those fathers, sons and our society too. I commend you for your efforts, action and commitment!
thank you , I was about to write a paper on father/sons relationship in regard to fathers day. I have accepted at times two young 30 year Olds as my sons mentoring them in a trade, and life including spiritual things. I have looked at the biblical prodigal son and my own attitude when one became very prodigal and left unannounced. I came to your site to get anther perspective.
Hi Carl, I’m glad you found a connection on my site and on this post. It’s been a bit controversial. It’s a while since I wrote it and I still stick by it. A father should be exactly that – a father and not a buddy or a pal to his son. Your son wants you to be a Dad, not another one of his buddies.