Saying No to Time Parasites

This post has been in my ‘Ideas List’ for a while now. I was in two minds whether to write it in case it came across as too sharp or harsh.

However I think it’s better if I qualify where I’m coming from, before you brand this post as negative, selfish or brusque (that word always makes me thing of brisket).

I know this for sure: I’m going to need to define what I mean by a Time Parasite before we look at ways to minimise their influence on our lives.

I’m also coming to this issue with a history of not being able to say no. This leads to over commitment, blurred focus and Dad burnout.

It’s unfair on you and other people if you are devoting too much attention on different activities and commitments. You’ll never develop the consistency needed to be a success if you don’t pick one to really focus on.

Who or What are Time Parasites?

Time Parasites are people who latch on to you and suck you dry of the one thing that is rarest (and therefore most valuable) to a busy, hardworking Dad.

Time.

I guess Time Parasites could be groups of people but most of the parasitic people in my life – from a time perspective at least – have been individuals.

Time Parasites always believe that their agenda and cause is THE most important thing in the Universe and that it’s inconceivable that anyone (especially you) would think otherwise.

For example:

• The guy who wants you to take over coaching the school football team, knowing you played once in a Junior Select because your best mate Frank sprained his knee and needed a quick sub.
• The lady who thinks, because you put a pound in her charity box, you care deeply for the plight of abandoned pet rabbits.
• Anyone who wants considerable chunks of your emotional or professional energy without mention of eventual payback.

Sound familiar? These are all examples of parasitic people. I’m sure you can think of a few more…

What is the Problem with Time Parasites?

I alluded to this above, but the problem with Time Parasites is that they want to suck you dry of your time.

They want to lay their little eggs of guilt on you that will eventually eat into your soul, sucking out your resolve.

By the time you know what’s happened, they’ve wrapped their tendrils around you and are beginning to feed on your freedom.

But who are the real victims of this parasitic relationship?

You guessed it: Your kids and your wife or partner. The lion’s share of your free time should be going on them, instead you’ve committed to doing something that does not involve them and will not improve your relationship with them.

In addition, you will increasingly feel burdened and burned out.

Once a Time Parasite has you, they’ll never let go. They’ll just feed and feed and ….. OK so you get the picture.

So what are the ways to deal with this type of behaviour? Keep reading and I’ll tell you…

Say No to Everything

If you find it hard to say no to people, there is an easy solution. For a fixed period, say no to every request from anyone that will have an impact on your free time.

This includes saying no to people who are not parasitic of your free space and time.

When I was experiencing burnout, I employed this tactic. Eventually Time Parasites will stop asking you for ‘favours’ or ‘help’ (what they really want to do is suck you into their world).

When you are no longer being bombarded with pleas for assistance, you can relax and maybe consider new commitments. Make sure they are things that:

• You want to do
• Will benefit your financial situation/personal development
• Are going to bring you closer to your goals e.g. spending more time with family

For more advice on focusing your priorities and saying no, check out Gorilla Mindset by Mike Cernovich

Reduce the Number of Commitments you Have

Carry out an inventory of your extra curricular activities. This could include kids sporting activities, charitable/voluntary positions, even your own hobbies or things like washing the car/mowing the lawn.

Your list might look like this:

1. Take kids to Judo practice

2. Parent Teachers Association

3. Golf

4. Cycling club

5. Rotary club

Decide what you need to keep and what needs to go. Things like washing your car are time consuming. Is it not more time efficient to pay someone a few pounds to do it for you?

Time is your most valuable asset. By the time a full time job, parenting and keeping fit has taken its slice, there isn’t much left.

Are all of those commitments necessary or are they dragging you towards more and more involvement?

Pick one or two things from your list of commitments that you absolutely cannot give up or really really enjoy and jettison everything else.

Once you’ve done this, continue to implement step 1: Say No to Everything.

Be Disciplined in Using Free Time

Discipline is a theme throughout this whole website. Whether that’s discipline in eating, exercise, relationships or how you use your free time.

Here’s another way of looking at it: Time Parasites can also be well meaning but self centred friends.

For example, your single man-friend who always wants to go mountain biking at the weekend with you when you should be getting quality time with your son.

He is sucking your free time away from you. You might want to go cycling with him, but is that going to make you a better Dad and husband?

You need to exercise some discipline in thinking what the best use of your time is going to be.

You might not get burned out or bummed from a weekend mountain biking, but your family will if they’ve barely seen you all week.

Instead, plan these trips and activities to either include your kids or at a time when they are not around e.g. at sleepovers, holiday camps, grandparents.

Yes this takes more discipline and planning, but you’re a Dad, not some kind of pathetic man-child who has to spontaneously do whatever you fancy.

Saying No really Means Yes

If you’re saying no to Time Parasites, you are really saying ‘yes’ to a whole host of other occasions and opportunities:

• Yes to quality time with your family
• Yes to adventures in the outdoors with your son(s)
• Yes to a more relaxed, balanced and rested version of yourself
• Yes to a life which is not dominated by the stress of multiple commitments

I’m sure you can think of more.

P.S. Check out these articles on spending quality time with your son:

• How to build resilient boys (part 1)
• How to take young kids hiking
• What do you want for your son?