How to Ruin Your Kids: The Pygmalion Principle and Parenting

What kind of parent are you? Do you encourage your kids to do more and achieve more by what you say? Of course you do.

But what about your actions? Do your actions and the language you use have an influence on how your children behave and achieve?

Here’s the problem (and I see this a lot): Some parents have a limited expectation of what their kids are capable of either physically, behaviourally, emotionally or academically.

But can this really have an effect on the long term development of your kids? And if so, what can you do to rectify the situation?

Keep reading to find out more.

Here’s what’s been on my mind for a while: the way that we talk about our children’s abilities and behaviours has a direct influence on their conduct, behaviour and ultimately success.

The Pygmalion Effect: How to Limit Your Children’s Achievements

I was recently telling another parent – a mum – about going to a restaurant with my wife and kids (both preschool).

I was telling about the starters and main courses that they’d enjoyed and how my son had helped count out the tip for the very helpful waiting staff.

Their reply astounded me:

“Oh, my kids couldn’t sit long enough for us to eat out together. So we don’t.”

These kids are both well behaved and much older that mine – it took my a long time to scrape my jaw off the floor.

I kept going over this idea in my head for a while afterwards. Which statement was really true?

1. My kids aren’t able to sit still for 45 minutes while we enjoy a meal in a public place

or

2. I’ve created a reality where I don’t believe my kids to be capable of a simple task. Therefore I have adjusted my behaviour and have no belief that this reality will shift any time soon.

Or think about it another way: Have you heard about the concept of the self limiting belief? A self limiting belief means that if you decide you are unable to do some, it becomes truth.

Like the person I know who told me they would never be able to learn to ride a bike in their 30s.

They’re right.

They won’t.

But why? Because they have brainwashed themselves into believing that is the reality in which they exist.

What they should have told themselves is that your 30s is the best time to overcome fears. When you’re 30+, you are freer from the shackles or peer pressure and shame that comes from failure.

Fear becomes a driver, not a limiter – in my experience at least.

So we agree then? Self limiting beliefs are bad.

But what does this have to do with the non-restaurant ready family?

What if it were possible to PROJECT your self limiting beliefs onto others? By some weird connection or global brain phenomenon, it is possible to pass your version of reality onto others without verbalising it.

Is this what is happening to the restaurant family? That their kids are subliminally aware of their parents lack of belief in them and act accordingly. Surely that’s madness, isn’t it?

Or is it.

What if there was a way to brainwash yourself into believing your kids were capable of more? And through this shift in your expectations, they’d live up to it. You’d do it, wouldn’t you?

Why? Because everyone wants their kids to be successful, happy and have good lives.

Whatever my children’s idea of success is – that’s what I want them to achieve. You have a responsibility to make your kids know that you believe in their abilities wholeheartedly. The first step is convincing yourself.

Sounds great, but it would be useful if this was based in science in some way wouldn’t it…

The Pygmalion Principle and Raising Children

Pygmalion was a  in ancient Greek mythology who had big expectations. He sculpted a statue of a beatuiful woman who he eventually fell in love with. Taking pity on his plight, the gods brought the statue to life and Pygmalion and his statue woman lived happily ever after.

Great story.

But what does this have to do with promoting positive behaviour in our kids?

In 1968, a pair of researchers called Rosenthal and Jacobsen (and a few others) discovered something staggering. School students would perform to the expectations of their teachers. When the teacher had positive expectations of a student, they would perform better.

However the students who were viewed negatively would perform more poorly. Rosenthal summed up his research in this sentence:

“When we expect certain behaviors of others, we are likely to act in ways that make the expected behavior more likely to occur.” (Rosenthal 1985)

Just as Pygmalion had expectations that his statue could become alive, when we expect something from others, we are more likely to realise it because of the way we behave.

I heard someone say 'My kids can't sit through a restaurant meal with us'. That's true because you make it so.

— Neil M White 🇬🇧 (@ThisDadDoes) July 30, 2016

How does this translate into raising resilient and socially rounded children?

If you believe your kids are capable of achieving something or behaving in a certain way, they are much more likely to do it.

Imagine the scenario: you believe your children are able to dine with you at the respectable eatery. Further more, you treat them as if they are.

End result: they are fine, eat politely, engage with waiting staff and make conversation over dinner (easily achievable for ages 3 and up).

And even if that doesn’t happen, you’ll have made a start. The next time, things will be a little easier. Continue to expect success and you will achieve it.

A recent post by one of my favourite bloggers confirmed this. Alex recalls how he has been surprised by his own son’s ability to perform physically when he believes it is possible (source). It is the act of belief that has the power.

Pygmalion Effect on TV, Pornography and Other Behavioural Controls

Here are a couple more examples which are connected to my restaurant story.

Have you ever been to a friend’s house who had their TV mounted on the wall ‘so the kids can’t get at it’.

Or houses where TV protecting barriers have been erected which would make German POW camps look insecure.

Here’s the thought process behind it: My children are incapable of learning to leave the expensive LCD HD television alone. Therefore my only option is to put it out of little arms reach.

At which point, you’ve lost. And so have they.

Because firstly, you didn’t have the confidence in your own ability as a father to train your children to do something simple: leave the TV alone.

Secondly, you didn’t have belief in your kids to be capable of the training or discipline required to keep hands off the telly.

Through your self limiting belief and the projection of that onto your kids, you’ve reinforced the reality of your parenting skills being poor and your kids ability to learn to be even worse.

Which is easier? To teach your kids that some things have considerable value and aren’t there to be touched or played with?

Or to wall-mount anything that is named in your home insurance policy.

What about older kids and internet usage, specifically pornography?

Recently I was speaking to a group of teenage boys, most of whom had seen hardcore porn or gruesome beheading/IS videos on their phones. Studies show 90% of 8-16 year olds have seen internet porn – often on a friend’s cell phone.

There are two ways to protect boys from the effects of pornography as they grow up. One is to tightly control all access to the internet, mobile phones and to have controls over who your kids have contact with.

The second is to teach your boys (and girls) to make smart choices when it comes to pornography. Everything has cause and effect – pornography has an effect.

Understanding this is a greater control than all the passwords and secure browsing sessions. Pornography is a self destructive and time wasting habit. Teaching this is and leading by example is a better use of energy.

If you have older kids and have faced this issue, please share how you’ve approached it by leaving a comment below.

Conclusions: Harnessing the Pygmalion Effect for you and your Kids

If you’re a regular on this website, you’re already striving for excellence in all aspects of fatherhood and life as a man.

Expecting excellence from yourself is the first step to achieving it. But the Pygmalion effect shows that these expectations translate into reality for you. And for your kids.

If you expect more and train your kids accordingly they will be better prepared for life. If you limit your belief in what they can achieve, they may just prove you right.

Pygmalion had the belief that his statue could become real and fulfill his needs as a man. Far fetched as the story is, the reality has been proven through research:

Expect more and you will receive it.

Expect less and it will also be yours.

P.S. Thanks to whoever told me about the Pygmalion effect. I’d started to write this post before I knew about it but it fit perfectly with my message. If it was you, send me an email and I’ll give you a proper mention!

P.P.S. This was an opinionated post. My emails are a lot more lighthearted. Sign up here and I’ll even send you my free Ebook.