How do you bounce back after tough times? It would be great if, after a difficult period in your life, you just ‘got back to normal’. No problem, no fuss – you’re just back to being you again. Contented, happy and full of direction and drive.

But that’s not how it works out. Instead you get so sucked into your downward spiral you can’t see any way out. Or even remember when you felt differently. How do you get your mojo back? How do you step out of your circle of negativity into a better path?

How to Bounce Back – A True Story

Nothing you’ll read on this blog is fake or contrived. Are there ‘advice’ blogs out there written by twenty-something guys with little life experience and even less self-awareness? Sure. But this isn’t one of them.

I might be approaching my mid-30’s but sometimes it feels like I’ve packed sixty years of living into those thirty odd years. I’m no sage and I’m learning every day but one thing I can say – I have enough experience of tough times to share my story. And hopefully speak into yours.

The truth is I can’t speak into your individual situation. But if you identify with what I’ve been through – and want to be where I’ve ended up, you’ll be on a better path than where you were at the start of this article.

Almost exactly two years ago I was in a really difficult place. The main source of my angst was my job. I’d had problems  at work – some of them self inflicted, some not.

The details of what happened are not important. But I was starting to go through my employers’ disciplinary process for being aggressive to other members of staff. I felt alone, lost and victimised. I remember sitting at my desk in the office cubicle just wanting to run out the door and never look back.

The negativity I was experiencing at work translated into my home and my relationship with my wife. I’m fortunate to have a supportive and understanding spouse who was ready to help me through whatever I needed to do.

My kids were young – too young to know what was going on. Did they pick up on it and act out? Sure they did. Did I snap at them or become totally withdrawn? Definitely.

how to bounce back

Bouncing Back – The Turning Point

How did I get out of that bad place? I had to make changes – I knew that. No one was going to get me out of my self inflicted rut but me. I knew that change was required? But what?

It was at that time I searched for help and found the book Gorilla Mindset by Mike Cernovich. It was a somewhat random Amazon search that led me to that book but it was the catalyst that changed everything.

gorilla mindset by mike cernovich MAGA mindset danger and play

“Great story, but how did you bounce back?” – OK, ok, I’m getting to that. Bouncing back takes drastic action. If you’re ready to bounce back and laugh in the face of adversity, you’ll need big changes. What changes? Keep reading and I’ll tell you.

How to Bounce Back: Change Your Mindset

“Change your mindset, change your life” – Mike Cernovich

If you’re going through hard times, how much of that is down to you? Are you going through life blaming others or your environment for how you feel or how you act?

Imagine if you could take control of your thoughts and emotions and channel them for good and into positivity. What if you took adversity and set backs and re-framed them in the positive as opportunities for growth an learning. Would your life be better or worse?

That’s what a mindset shift looks like. You absolutely can control how you think and feel on any given day. And once you realise that you can stop surviving and start living.

One aspect of Gorilla Mindset that I was slow to understand was the idea of using it offensively. If you’re uninitiated that probably sounds terrifying. Do you go about banging your chest and acting the ‘Alpha’ everywhere you go?

In a word, no.

Think about it like a game of football. Sometimes you’re defending, other times you’re attacking. You can use your new mindset to defend – to cope with difficult people and situations. But that’s only half the story.

Because if you can harness your mindset and use that for growth – business success, better relationships, more time with your kids – you’re on the offensive. You’re gaining back the territory you lost while on the back food – “It’s all about yardage” as my college coach used to say.

Bounce Back: Change Your Job

One of the biggest sources of my unhappiness was my job. It wasn’t a bad job and the people there weren’t out to get me (although sometimes I convinced myself otherwise). It was just the wrong job for me.

A game changer for me was understanding my personality type (Myres-Briggs Type Indicator was a big help in this). I started to understand that sitting at a desk in a government office wasn’t a good use of my skills and talents. The result? Boredom, frustration and an overwhelming desire to run out the fire escape at any moment.

So I changed my job. And I changed it to one where I constantly have to think of my feet. One where I’ve got to be proactive, chase sales and develop the business. That’s the kind of environment I love and thrive in.

Is your job the source of your unhappiness? Is it really the job that’s the problem or is it that you’re in the wrong one? If so, making a change is what’s needed. It took me more than two years to pivot out of my job into the one I’m in now with many false starts and failed interviews. But if that’s the process you have to go through to get to where you need to be, then why wouldn’t you do it?

The alternative? Stay in your bucket with all the other crabs waiting for the boiling water at the end of the day.

How to Bounce Back – Change Your Life

Ok so I’ll level with you. I didn’t just change my job. I changed my whole life. Right before Christmas 2017 I moved with my whole family from the city to the country. We went from a city of 1 million to a village of 621.

When I wake up I see hills and fields. It’s the same when I put out the garbage, drive to work or go for a walk with the kids. I cut my commute from an hour to 20 minutes and the trip to my parents from two hours to ten minutes.

how to bounce back from adversity

It was a planned an conscious decision to move here and to restart our lives. I’ve already noticed a difference. I’m much more relaxed, have higher energy and much more motivation.

Which leads me back to you? Do you need to think about making the kind of drastic changes I did? I don’t know about your individual situation but I do know that moving to the country was the best decision for me and my family.

It might take time, effort and planning to make a move like this but imagine what it would be like? You don’t owe your current life anything if it doesn’t make you happy. If a change of lifestyle is what you need, then what’s stopping you?

If you have to do what’s necessary to bounce back from adversity or tough times, then don’t put it off. You will need to take action and it won’t be easy. But the rewards? I’m reaping them every day.

Neil

P.S. Most people skip to the bottom of blog posts. Did you know that? If you were one of them do me a favour and read the whole thing – it’ll only take you 8 minutes. Then come back and sign up for my emails.

 

About Neil M White

Neil has been writing for a number of years. He has worked as a freelance writer both in the UK and internationally and has worked on a number of high profile media projects. Neil spends his spare time hiking, in the gym or hanging out with his family.

5 comments add your comment

  1. Neil,

    Wish I’d read this when I was working at the same place as you.

    As you know I had similar difficulties while I was there and it led to a head on collision with certain people and ended with me leaving under something of a cloud!

    I burned a tremendous amount of energy while I was there simply ‘being angry’ and feeling wronged and in the end it was almost a relief to clear my desk and walk out of there for the last time.

    I got lucky not long afterwards with a new job but I have to be honest with myself and admit that fundamentally I have not changed and would likely approach a similar situation with the same ‘I know I’m right’ mindset. (might make a good book title in itself!)

    I bought Gorilla Mindset some time back on your reccomend as I know it was a big inspiration to you and that you regularly apply ‘frame and focus’ to your daily life.

    Gonna dust it off and have another go as I’m thinking the mindset shift involved probably works better when you are not on the back foot.

    Cheers bro, always enjoy reading your posts, T

    • Tom, thanks for your comment. I like what you said about ‘burning energy’. That’s a really important point. If you spend time being angry you waste huge amounts of physical and emotional energy. Energy is a valuable commodity – you only get so much to use during the day. Why use it to be annoyed at people or events?

      I’m glad that things have worked out so well for you too. If you were still in that job you left, would you have been able to do the things you’re doing now? Probably not.

      Definitely read Gorilla Mindset. Obviously it was a huge thing for me so I don’t want to overhype it. However it has helped thousands of men rediscover direction and be more intune with their emotions so it can’t be a bad thing.

  2. Tom I sympathize in a slightly different way. I had some issues at my job where I had complaints put in about me by staff when I was new as I was apparently “intimidating” – which anyone who knows me well would laugh at.

    My current issue is that I am starting to slide into apathy, and my behaviour shows it (scraping to work on time, sleeping in, getting pulled into work gossip, over eating etc). I have the book too and need to start really going through it again.

    I would highly recommend doing an MBTI test ( 16 Personalities or Keys2Cognition) are both good. I don’t treat it as a concrete result, more a template which helps explain certain personality traits (I come out as ISTJ which explained my issues with my line manager, and in my personal life too in regards to dating and relationships).

    I would also consider meditation/mindfulness activities, I thought they were hippy nonsense but they have been life saver for stopping me exploding on several occasions.

    • Ed, you raise a good point about apathy. I think that’s the follow on from anger. The change curve has a ‘stage 3’ which is ‘Acceptance’. This can manifest itself negatively in resignation or as you describe it, just feeling a bit ‘meh’.

      It’s worth taking stock and doing a life audit if you can.

      Good advice about the MBTI. It’s helped me a lot when it comes to understanding myself and others. Even if you think it’s psychological mumbo-jumbo pseudoscience – if it helps, why knock it!

      You guys have inspired me to re-read Gorilla Mindset. I hope you find it helps you again this time around.

      • 100% on the audit Neil, been taking on too much and now currently working everyday for the next 12 due to lack of staffing for a big event. The issue arises when you are overly busy but not productive.

        Agreed on MBTI, it’s a template but really useful to focus on rough strengths/weaknesses!

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gorilla mindset by mike cernovich MAGA mindset danger and play

Read: December 2016

Gorilla Mindset

If it wasn’t for Gorilla Mindset by Mike Cernovich, you probably wouldn’t be reading this site. It’s not that I’d never written before. I had.

But I’d given up, kidding myself that I ‘didn’t have time’ and ‘wasn’t that good anyway’. The problem was I was lying to myself. I did have time, I can write (you’re reading this aren’t you?) and I have something to offer.

Gorilla Mindset’s tag line is this: How to control your thoughts and emotions to live life on your terms. If you could control both of those things would you be more or less likely to achieve your goals? Don’t take my word for it – buy it now or read my longer review for more info.

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