Imagine.

Imagine if you were undertaking a concerted effort to undermine the role of the father. How would you do it?

Would you go on an all out frontal attack, metaphorical guns blazing? Like the low-consciousness keyboard warriors and Twitter activists who lose nuance (and credibility) in being ‘like totally outraged’ and ‘I can’t even (crying emoji)’?

Or would you do it by stealth so that people everywhere, men in particular, didn’t see it coming until it was too late.

Would you start to poke fun at fathers? Would you portray them in the media and in children’s programming as hapless buffoons (Daddy pig in Peppa Pig, Homer Simpson).

Which approach would be the most effective in making sure that fathers were seen as being surplus to requirements – even a negative influence on children growing up?

Or would you try a different like of attack? A third way?

The Feminization of Fatherhood

Where have all the good men gone

And where are all the gods?

Where’s the streetwise Hercules to fight the rising odds?”

Bonny Tyler ‘Holding Out for a Hero’

That is certainly the first (and probably the last) time that I quote a BonnieTyler power ballad on this blog. However her question stands on its own:

Where have all the men gone?

“What kind of a question is that? Look around you, there are men everywhere!”

I know, but everywhere I look I see the role of men in the family being undermined. Years of cultural conditioning made me blind to this. Seeing this truth was my ‘Red Pill’ moment.

My culture wants me to be more like a woman.

My culture sees men and fathers as a threat.

My culture wants me to be a victim.

I appreciate that to qualify these statements I will need to provide some evidence to support my position. Which is difficult. Why? Because the gradual undermining and feminization is stealthy and subtle.

But that doesn’t mean I won’t try. If you think this post is anecdotal, that’s because it is. Though I challenge you to prove me wrong.

From Victory to Victimhood

My father lived through the second World War. Men a few years older than him fought and died on foreign soil and sand hundreds, even thousands of miles from home.

Those that survived returned victorious, riding on a wave of euphoria and relief.

Fast forward 70 odd years and men are in crisis. A crisis of identity, of physical, emotional and spiritual health.

This is compounded by cheap unhealthy foods, limitless availability of pornographic material and 24/7 entertainment. We live in an ‘all-you-can-eat’ society:

All you can eat restaurants.

All you can eat porn.

All you can eat entertainment.

And for the most part, we gorge ourselves, sating our hunger at the feeding trough of Western Civilisation. The result? Obesity, hormone imbalances and infertility and loneliness.

But remember, none of this is your fault right? You are completely passive in all your choices. Instead you’re a victim.

An addict.

Addicted to food. Addicted to porn. Addicted to computer games.

Why is the addict label convenient? Because if you have an addiction, you can blame diminished responsibility. You don’t have a lack of discipline, YOU HAVE AN ILLNESS.

Or do you?

If anyone is to blame for the creeping but intentional feminization of the father, it’s us.

We let this happen.

We were too busy hunched over our laptops watching porn in the dark, eating cheetos while we waited for the Xbox to load up.

And while we were distracting ourselves, culture shifted.

Fathers are the Problem, Never the Solution

Here are some popular myths about men:

All wars are the responsibility of men.

Males are inherently violent.

Testosterone is evil

And here are some statements that can get you fired from any job:

The wage gap is a myth.

Rape culture is a myth.

The patriarchy is a myth

Sadly I’m unable to go into the merits (or otherwise) of these statements in this post. However if you want to know how society views fathers, follow the news for a week or watch a few modern TV shows and count the number of positive role models that are also fathers are portrayed.

What if you weren’t mentally strong enough to discern your way through either set of statements. You would swallow both sets whole. Here’s my hypothesis: all six have elements of truth and falsehood.

But here’s what I do know: Fathers are not the problem. We are the solution.

When was the last time you met someone with a strong father who was a mess? Strong, fit fathers have strong, fit sons. My father isn’t a tall man, but to me he’s a towering giant, characterised by compassion, determination and mental strength.

His generation would have preferred prison to some of the demeaning images Dads are bombarded with in our time.

Stop Trying to Man up and Be a Woman

Here’s a counter-cultural statement:

Men and women can have different roles and responsibilities within the family.

Disagree? That’s fine. You are free to live your life in any way you wish.

For now.

What are the signs that fathers are out? Well you could read Good Men Project and see what role they see fathers fulfilling (Stay at home dad, cry baby, subservient white knight?).

Joking aside (please don’t read GMP – it’s trash), you could open your eyes, harness your confirmation bias and see the hidden signs within the fabric of your culture.

This image was shocking to a lot of people. Many were outraged. For me, it doesn’t make me feel angry or under threat.

But it does allow me to get my idea out – that a man’s identity in the family is being eroded to the point where most don’t even know what a Dad’s job is anymore.

This photoshoot was probably meant as a joke or a bit of fun by some expectant fathers. Harmless fun.

But it sends out messages that you may find altogether more harmful such as:

“Men cannot share in the experience of raising children unless they mimic their female partners.”

“Behaving effeminately is ‘mega-lolz’ – masculine Dads are out – we only want neck bearded, baby sling wearing, craft beer drinking, chubsters. Because they don’t pose a threat to anyone and will raise ‘nice’ boys and girls.”

“Forget strength, or the masculine prowess that has protected the human race for a couple of million years. We want men to hide their genitals and pretend to be female.”

Don’t Be Outraged, Be The Difference

When you see images like this or tune into the fact that you are an endanged species as a man, you could feel under threat.

Or you could make a conscious decision to ignore it altogether. Anger and outrage take up considerable amounts of energy. You know what I did after I found the image of those men on my Instagram feed?

I deadlifted 150% of my bodyweight for reps. Why? Because I can.

Because that’s what separates us from the rest. We lift, grunt, sweat and show our sons what it means to be men. We value strength, compassion, discipline and mercy.

We want to have healthy, fit bodies and we eat accordingly. We know that our culture is on borrowed time so we’re ready for what’s coming next – whatever that may be.

When you see your role and value being eroded by society, don’t become a pathetic outraged victim. Store that energy and redirect it to be something more, something better than those around you. That’s what is needed in our time.

About Neil M White

Neil has been writing for a number of years. He has worked as a freelance writer both in the UK and internationally and has worked on a number of high profile media projects. Neil spends his spare time hiking, in the gym or hanging out with his family.

17 comments add your comment

  1. Fathers have been undermined since the early nineties in the media. But social media seems to have taken it to a new level. I definitely have pushed back what’s becoming the new norm in fatherhood: soft body and mind.
    Sites like Good Men Project do is no favors. I can’t believe I actually considered doing a guest post there. I kept reading posts that I couldn’t identify or support. Instead I’m doing my part to set a good example to my kids: staying lean, reading, self improvement, leadership. Qualities and activities the mainstream would rather fathers (and men) not engage. They’d rather see us watching tv, drinking craft beers, growing long beards, etc.

    As usual, Neil, you have the pulse of what’s really going on.

    • Chris, you make some great points. I particularly agree with what you write about culture rejecting leanness, reading, self improvement and so-on. These things are seen as gauche in our times when vapid reality TV is accepted and pornography is promoted.

      Good Men Project will wither and fade – the signs are already there. Men don’t want platitudes or slogans, they want the truth.

  2. This article made me sad, made me laugh, and got me fired up at the same time. Neil, you do a great service to all dads and dads-to-be, and I get so psyched by the fact that most fathers I come in contact with are feeling these same things. Awesome.

    • Thanks Alex, the response to this post was really overwhelming. There are clearly thousands of us who are sick to the back teeth of the drip-drip erosion of the value of fatherhood. It’s for us to be resolute against it. Instead of being victims, we focus on inner strength and building the resilience of our children to resist this type of propaganda for the future.

      • “…we focus on inner strength and building the resilience of our children to resist this type of propaganda for the future.”

        Exactly! And yet, this drives so many people into fits of pearl-clutching rage.

        Which makes me all the happier!

        What gets me, though, is that raising mentally and physically tough, spiritually resolute, intelligent, noble young men benefits women just as much as it does men.

  3. Jeez Neil, I go away for 2 weeks and you blow up twitter 😉

    As a “millennial” this is the same for us younger, childless men (20 somethings). If you live thriftily and within your means, lift, condition, eschew TV and popular culture, avoid porn, minimize alcohol and consciously try to improve you are weird (even if you let the results speak for themselves) – I recently went on a date with a girl who was more than a little surprised that I had never watched Game Of Thrones or whatever is hot right now!

    • EA, keep it up man. I can already tell you have an independent spirit, which is great. You’ll find an interesting woman one of these days.

      And think about your competition for them . . .

      • I haven’t either. Sounds like a crappy show which thinks it’s adult for the sex scenes and “ohhh were not afraid to kill off characters”

        Nearing 23 myself and I liked this post. Reminds me I have a huge block of needed self improvement ahead before I can consider being a husband and a father.

        • Nice one Mustafa – just turned 27 and been moving forward since 23 onwards. Just a couple of tips mate (don’t want to sound condescending – you can learn from my mistakes!)

          1) Pick your battles – don’t try and simultaneously train 6-7 times a week whilst working and trying to study on the side (I have spent the last month doing this, it will all go wrong) – pick 1-2 big goals and let other stuff tick over in the background (so if you are killing it at work/college put training on the back burner but still get it in – something like 5/3/1 is awesome for this!)

          2) Sleep – don’t run of caffeine, I worked up to 7-8 cups of strong coffee a day when I was on an internship and working on my days off, bad idea, use stimulants sparingly and sleep properly instead.

          3) Learn to say no – again a massive failing of mine, trying to be all things to all people will result in you half arsing everything. Saying no to “Joining the Staff Survey Panel” or “Ed – do you want an extra private job” (2 real life examples I had this week)

          The trick with this is learning when to do it – you cant say “No” to your boss all the time obviously! – also you have to be diplomatic about it otherwise people get offended (another mistake I learnt).

          Apologies for the essay, hope you take something useful away from it!

        • Hi Mustafa. Thanks for your comment and I’m glad you enjoyed reading this post. Don’t be daunted by the journey of self improvement. You should aim to be constantly improving and evolving. If you’re new to this, I’d recommend Gorilla Mindset by Mike Cernovich (On Amazon here) and Choose Yourself by James Altucher (get it here) as good starting points.

  4. Thanks Alex! – its all about playing the long game, too many guys just seem to get to 27-28 and just stop, accept the status quo and stop developing in anyway. Just back from seeing family so aware of how precious time is (and thus how hard it is to carve out time to lift/read etc with young children/hectic schedule/job ) but for the younger dudes with a reasonable income and no dependents its a bit different!

  5. Oh please. Your argument is so full of holes I can put coffee and hot water in it and end up with a cup of joe.

    You’re pointing to TV and complaining about how dads are portrayed as buffoons? Sir, that is not a tree, that is a goddamn forest. The problem is not limited to dads. TV is the *worst* representation of the culture it purports to represent. Moms are shown just as unrealistically, as are single twenty-somethings, as are retirees, as are millionaires. The Big Bang Theory is not an academic treatise on the place of the young intellectual in modern society, and you do yourself a disservice by using things like it as a jumping off point. Start with crap assumptions, you’ll end up with crap conclusions.

    Your culture doesn’t want you to be more like a woman.

    Your culture wants you to be less of an asshole.

    When you see your role being eroded by society, ask yourself why. Are there better roles you could be playing? Why aren’t you playing them?

    When you see your value being eroded by society, ask yourself if your value system is valid. Ask yourself what the difference is between the value your society ascribes to yourself, and *your perception* of the value your society ascribes to you. Question your assumptions.

    And for crying out loud, stop defining yourself by the pop-culture caricatures of your peers. May as well complain about how sad you are that your ears are smaller than Mickey Mouse’s.

    • Jon, thanks for your comment although if you thought this was about how Dads are portrayed on T.V. you’ve clearly misunderstood the point of the article.

      Try reading all the way to the end next time.

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