Defining Modern Fatherhood: The Platoon Sergeant and Life Coach

How do we define the role of the father in our modern time? How do we rediscover paternal identity in an age where the very fabric of fatherhood is under threat. Where traditional family roles and values feel like a forgotten memory from a halcyon age?

A man’s identity as a father is changing as gender roles within the family converge. Many of you are struggling to understand what it means to be a father in our modern time. We want to preserve the good bits of our traditional upbringings with the added value of a modern ‘hands on’ approach.

In fact, this was one of my motivations for starting this site in the first place; so that we could have a protracted discussion about what that looks like. It’s great to see so many of you following along and joining in the conversation.

We’ve never been through a time when fathers have been more engaged in the family than in our modern, post industrial times. A recent study showed that Dads spend 7 times more quality time with their kids than in the 1970s.

More and more of us are making a concerted effort to be a big part of your kids life and reaping the rewards through secure, happy, contented sons and daughters.

But how do we balance this with the tougher roles that we must maintain – to be leaders and disciplinarians within our families. After all, we want our kids to be able to make the right choices later in life. They won’t thank us for a lack of boundaries in the long term.

There must be some way of defining this role. Read on if you want to know more.

The ‘Best Friend’ Conundrum

A few months ago, I wrote about father/son relationships and whether you should see yourself as your son’s ‘best friend’. A concept I introduced was that of the modern father being a combination of Platoon Sergeant and Life Coach.

Many of your responded to that thought – some with agreement, others with horror. Which is fine – after all this shouldn’t be a fatherhood echo chamber.

Now I want to explain what I mean in more clarity, especially for those who may have a different concept of what these roles represent.

If you’ve got a different view, share it in the comments below. But before you do, keep reading…

The Father as Platoon Sergeant

When you think of a Platoon Sergeant, what do you think of? A drill master from Full Metal Jacket or Forest Gump? Sergeant Bilko?

These are caricatures, probably based on real people but in not really helpful to what I’ve got in mind. Instead the sergeant has two main roles in the platoon:

• Discipline of his men
• The welfare of the troops

A good Platoon Sergeant is a leader of men which means having their best interests first – even before his own. He’ll make sure his men are fed and rested before he eats and sleeps.

He’ll run through orders and patrol routes to make sure everyone has understood.

He’ll organise resupply and any replacement equipment you need – a true provider.

And most significantly of all, he’ll be there when you are injured, holding your hand until the medivac arrives.

This nurture is balanced by a commitment to discipline of the unit – fun and games are tolerated. Insubordination or neglect of duties is not. Disputes are settled on the spot.

And go no further.

He knows that personal hurts and insults can fester and grow – so they are sorted out at source before ill will develops.

He isn’t a friend to his men – he’s much more: a leader, teacher, provider, judge, jury, consoler and implementer of discipline. For some of his troops, he is the closest thing they’ve had to a father figure.

But how do you incorporate these values into your family unit? Can they really translate across into a modern Father/Son relationship?

What if we lost sight of these values and roles of the father and replaced them with ‘Star Wars Dads’ and pseudo-friendships? What would the impact on our sons and daughters be?

When really we should be focusing on:

• Being a leader to our sons
• Teaching our children to make wise choices
• Being a judge and a mediator when fights happen
• Consoling our kids when they become hurt or afraid
• Being prepared to mete out discipline that loves and corrects

These are all features of the Platoon Sergeant’s character – should they also be yours as a Father?

The Father as Life Coach

Let’s get this straight – a Life Coach isn’t a shrink or a psychiatrist. If your son needs either of them, hire a professional (not medical advice, just good sense).

A life coach is someone whose job it is to help people reach their life goals. A good coach will use their skills of communication to bring their coachee to the correct conclusion, rather then imposing their own will into the situation.

Think about Stephen Covey’s definition of what he sees as effective communication (Covey is the author of 7 Habits of Highly Effective People – if you haven’t read it, you should). Covey says that communication should be transformational not transcational.

Transformational communication is an key aspect of being an effective coach: your interactions with your client or coachee should have the objective of helping them to be built up and able to overcome whatever problem they are facing. Transactional communication is more of a ‘You talk then I talk then you talk’ approach.

If you want to know more, I would advise taking a coaching course. Many employers offer them (that’s how I became qualified as a coach) or you can find local ones online. The skills you learn will help you in business and in life.

But if we bring this back to the subject in hand – fatherhood. How does being a life coach fit into the picture?

Look again at the definition of a life coach:

Someone who helps people reach their life goals

Unless you’re a pushy ‘soccer Dad’ or a complete idiot, then I hope that you want your kids to reach their life goals – whatever they may be. Or if you prefer Gorilla Mindset terminology – to realise their vision.

You don’t make your kids into your own image or force your will on them. Instead you help them to achieve whatever it is they want to achieve.

Try this: What do you want your kids to do in life? Think about it for 10 seconds.

Done?

Guess what? What you think doesn’t matter. They’ll make their own decisions and their own goals. It’s not your job to impose your will on them. It’s your job to help them get to where they want to be.

The son of a Dad I know decided he wanted to study to be a fashion designer. It wasn’t really what his Dad had pictured his son doing but he went with it and gave it his full support. The young man’s career is a success so far in what is a very tough industry to break into.

Defining Fatherhood: Your Children’s Needs

What do your really kids need? Do they need a Dad who acts like he’s a teenage big brother. Or do they need strength, power, firm discipline and wise guidance?

All of these are male qualities that are spurned by out time. Which is why your sons and daughters need to experience them more than ever.

Is the combination of Platoon Sergeant and Life Coach the complete picture? Or even the ideal way of describing the father’s role? Maybe. Maybe not.

But in this turbulent and confusing time, the qualities that these role require translate perfectly into our modern struggle as Dads.

Neil

P.S. I write a regular (every 2 weeks) email to my elite group of subscribers. If you’d like to be included sign up here.