How can you kick your porn habit? That was a question that bothered me for nearly fifteen years. Until I found the answer. Now I’m living porn free and it’s great. Want to know how I did it? Read on.

It’s only fair that I start this post with a disclaimer of sorts. I know that there is a wide range of people who read this site, including my own family members. This post is going to contain real talk, most of which is from my own experiences or from other Dads I know. If you think that you might be offended or unduly shocked by what this post contains, do yourself a favour and click off. I’ve got dozens of other posts that you can read and enjoy.

Otherwise, keep reading…

The Proliferation of Pornography

I’m going to make some assumptions about you as a reader.

  • You’re male
  • You’ve engaged with pornography
  • You don’t believe it’s been a positive experience

If you’re a pornography advocate keep reading though I must warn you are unlikely to agree with anything that’s written in this post. But then maybe I can convince you of my case.

When I say ‘engaging in pornography’ I mean: viewing pornographic videos or images and masturbating at the same time, normally to climax.

Most Dads my age have done it at some point or other. Some do it regularly. Others more occasionally – but then if you’re a Dad my age, you already knew that didn’t you??

One of the main factors is the sheer availability of pornography on the internet. Before the days of high speed broadband, pornography was more difficult to obtain. It existed as grainy jpegs on obscure sites, shaky VHS tapes and in the form of top shelf magazines with the front page covered.

These days, the availability and scale of porn is truly biblical. in 2014, the porn industry in the USA was estimated as being valued at $13 billion. To put that figure in context, the entire US iron and steel industry was worth $113 billion in the same year.

One internet search and a few clicks will give anyone access to more pornography than could be viewed in a lifetime.

But if the use of pornography is so prolific in Western Countries, why do I see it as a problem and am I the only one?

how to overcome pornography habit addiction dads

My Problem with Pornography

I’ve always seen pornography as being negative. I was brought up in a traditional Christian home so it wasn’t something that was ever spoken of in a positive light.

But when I grew up and was old enough to make choices for myself, I knew deep down that what I was engaging in was negative, destructive and wasteful.

Added to that, I’ve never bought into the ‘pornography is therapy’ idea which goes along the lines of:

  • Pornography is a normal part of male (and female) sexuality
  • It can be enjoyed as part of a secure sexual relationship
  • There are few negative effects as long as you’re not addicted

But I could never crystallise these conclusions enough to take any positive form of action.

I had read often of people suffering from pornography addiction (Actor Terry Crews is a well known recovering addict) without understanding or reaching that level of engagement.

Others like pro-boxer Ed Latimore have written of their own experiences.

I knew of others who believed that pornography is demeaning to women and encourages unrealistic expectations when translated into real life sexual experiences. Again, the latter of these arguments wasn’t consistent with my own healthy and functioning sex life.

And the first doesn’t wash with me either: That all pornographic actors are somehow victims of a global abuse network.

I would find that easier to believe if the industry wasn’t worth so much: Top female porn actors have net worth in the tens of millions of dollars.

Does that mean that I don’t believe there are any porn actors subject to abuse or coercion? No, obviously. But it’s naive to suggest that the whole industry is one big conspiracy against women with thousands of unwilling and unpaid participants.

That’s why I’m not convinced that the main problems with porn are:

  • Widespread and sanctioned abuse and debasement of women
  • Unrealistic expectations of real life sexual encounters
  • Adverse effects on healthy marriages and partners

Why? Because all of these ‘problems’ focus on everyone but the user. The effects on the man engaging in pornography is discounted as being of secondary importance. After all he does it willingly and out of choice, doesn’t he?

Don’t you??

If you are regularly engaging in pornography, the main person being affected by it (and the person who you should be most concerned with) is YOU. Y-O-U. No one else.

You are the one who has to deal with whatever consequences there are from your actions. When I started to see my own engagement in pornography in this context, things began to change. But more on that later…

The Science Bit: Pornography breeds Torpidity

Here’s the (non imaginary) scene: You’re finally alone in the house. Your wife has gone out and the kids are at a friend’s house or upstairs asleep. You flick on the T.V. but there’s nothing on. You look at your phone. The screen is blank.

Your eye catches your laptop which looks like it’s just finished charging. The doors are locked and the curtains closed. You flip the top and press the power button. Another evening alone.

But what are the physiological effects from engagement with pornography? When you engage in porn (masturbate and eventually ejaculate) this triggers a series of physiological and hormonal effects in your body.

Engaging in pornography literally makes you slow and sleepy.

Once you’ve finished, your body is in what scientists call the ‘refractory period‘. During this time, your body produces hormones in response to the simulated sexual experience. Two of these that I want to focus on are are Oxytocin and Prolactin.

Oxytocin

Oxytocin has a variety of functions in both men and women. For women, it has function during childbirth and in breast feeding.

In men, it is released following sexual climax which ‘Evokes feelings of contentment, reductions in anxiety, and feelings of calmness and security. Oxytocin may be important for the inhibition of the brain regions associated with behavioral control, fear, and anxiety‘ (Source: Wikipedia, emphasis added).

Oxytocin behaves like a drug following porn engagement making you feel chilled out and safe. While important during intercourse (Who wants to be on edge right afterwards..?), this has very little benefit while sat alone in your house.

Plus, look at those physical effects. The release of oxytocin makes you:

  • Feel content
  • Less anxious
  • Feel more calm and secure

Prolactin

Like oxytocin, prolactin is a common hormone and is found in numerous organisms. In men, it is released following ejaculation and is responsible for the sense of sexual satisfaction you feel after sex. Simply, this hormone makes you feel the ‘release’ after climax. It contributes to the feeling of relaxation and is why you’ll normally drift off to sleep after sex. Prolactin makes you sleepy.

Great right? It’s like a natural sleeping pill. I mean, if pornography helps you sleep, its not so bad is it?

See for yourself: While prolactin is a naturally occurring hormone in relation to sexual intercourse, it also has some less desirable effects.

For example, over-production of can lead to reduced testosterone and has been linked to erectile dysfunction and loss of libido (sex drive).  And no one wants that.

And who wants to be in an artificially torpid state? Sleepy men are easier to con, kidnap and kill.

Conclusions

It’s not difficult to see that engaging in porn literally keeps you slow, sleepy and stupid. It could be reducing your testosterone levels and is certainly contributing to you losing your edge.

Porn is making you a sleepy, torpid little dormouse who has just woken up from hibernation.

Porn Availability – A Global Conspiracy?

I’m going to make a little detour here so bear with me: What if the widespread availability of pornography is Western countries was part of a wider conspiracy?

I’m not saying it is, but look at the facts:

  • Pornography is celebrated as ‘therapy’ or ‘art’
  • Porn usage and availability in Western countries is at record levels
  • Pornography is generally legal and unregulated in Western Europe, North and South America
  • There is a sustained and persistent attack on the role of men within society including a portrayal of masculinity as something that is toxic
  • As we’ve just seen, there are physiological effects on men who engage in pornography that include changing from lions to sleepy little kittens.

Coincidence? Maybe, but I don’t believe in coincidences. So what if the proliferation of pornography was, if not orchestrated, permitted as a tool of governments to keep men in check. To keep us happy, stupid and sleepy?

But hey, you’d be mad to believe in all that conspiracy bull-crap, right?

Addiction and the Habit Loop

Here’s the thing: I’m not qualified to talk about addiction. I’ve no idea what the likes of Terry Crews (and the thousands of other men who are searching ‘pornography addiction’ on Google every day) are going through.

how to overcome pornography quite the habit for ever

(Positive about pornography? These men aren’t)

But there has been a lot of research into habits and how they form. Charles Duhigg is one of the leading writers on Habits (I plan to review his book on the subject in the future).

Habits form into a loop of Cue, Routine, Reward.

cue__routine__reward

The negative habit of a Dad engaging in pornography could look like this:

Cue: You’re alone in the house and have time to spare. You feel secure enough that you’re not going to be discovered half way through. This might be compounded with feelings of stress, anxiety or sexual frustration from a longer than normal period without sex.

Routine: You flip the laptop, click to your favourite porn site, find your favourite videos and away you go.

Reward: 15-35 minutes later you’re done. The physiological feelings described above kick in to an extent (although always tempered with a degree of guilt and annoyance that you couldn’t find anything better to do with your time.

Duhigg’s article (which I linked to above) and book give good step by step suggestions to breaking habits so I’m not going to rehash his ideas although I am going to reveal my own experiences of success and eventual freedom from this habit.

How to I Broke the Pornography Habit Loop

It will be no surprise that the ‘sample’ habit loop I described above is close to my own experiences. The cues were as follows:

  • Stressed/anxious or sexually frustrated
  • Alone/secure in the house
  • Time enough to spare
  • Nothing better to do

Changing the routine in response to those cues has broken the habit loop completely. Here’s what I do now when I experience those cues.

I write.

Whether it’s on this site, another site or doing freelance work for my regular clients, I now use that time productively. Having the Gorilla Mindset shift of being a producer instead of a consumer was a factor in this change. In the end I broke the habit loop without even really thinking about it.

The rewards I’ve experienced are

  • Improving as a writer (check out my early stuff if you don’t believe me)
  • Meeting incredible men and women through my words
  • Learning new skills and making a bit of money

If you are experiencing something similar you can easily do the same thing. Identify the cues that lead to you engaging in pornography and change the routine.

You don’t have to write. It could be sometime as simple as buying a dog and walking it when you feel the cues kicking in.

Harness Your Energy Through Sexual Transmutation

Sexual transmutation of energy sounds like something you’d find in a Marvel comic book. But it’s actually a pretty simple concept (and has been around for a while). Napoleon Hill wrote extensively on the subject in his seminal work ‘Think and Grow Rich’.

Consider this: If you could harness your sexual energy and divert a proportion of it into another activity, you have the potential to be unstoppable.

Think back to your 20’s – if you had used some of that raw sexual energy to build a business, property empire or learn Cantonese, where would you be now?

Through breaking the habit loop and transferring that energy into my writing, I’ve written tens of thousands of words reached thousands of people and now I’m getting paid in the process.

The flip-side is to think about it like this: You only get so much energy in one lifetime. It’s a finite resource. Now think about the time and energy you’ve spent engaging in pornography.

It’s been a big waste, hasn’t it?

A Future without A Pornography Habit

You’re all big boys. You’ve had kids – some of you have had more and for longer than me. You don’t need me telling you how to live your life.

And if you’ve read this and don’t see porn usage as a problem then that’s cool. I’d love to have a discussion on it in the comments section.

What you’ve just read is how I see things which I would summarise as follows:

  1. Pornography is a problem – not because it’s demeaning to women, wrecks relationships or can be addictive for some but because of the negative effects it has on you – the user.
  2. The body responds to simulated ejaculation (following porn usage) in a negative and destructive way. The last thing I want to be is slow, sleepy and testosterone deprived.
  3. The  reluctance to regulate pornography in any meaningful way by Western governments while other less destructive activities and products are banned or tightly controlled is highly suspicious.
  4. My porn habit fitted snugly into the widely recognised MIT research communicated by Charles Duhigg on habit loops involving cue, routine and reward.
  5. This has been broken through transmutation of that energy into a more productive activity – my writing.

 

I dreamed for a long time of a porn free life. I’m now living it and I’ll never look back.

P.S. I wrote about how to give up porn as well as other self destructive habits in my book A Father’s Mission which is available on Amazon.

About Neil M White

Neil has been writing for a number of years. He has worked as a freelance writer both in the UK and internationally and has worked on a number of high profile media projects. Neil spends his spare time hiking, in the gym or hanging out with his family.

12 comments add your comment

  1. Glad I found this website,even though I’m not a dad ( I’m a 20 year old ), alot of the stuff on it like this have been very insightful. Lately I’ve noticed a drop in my libido (and my drive to do anything really) , and I feel like masturbation might be a big cause of this, so I’m gonna quit it cold turkey and start using my time better

    • James, that’s really great to hear and I wish you all the best. Be sure to let me know how you get on. I recommend Duhigg’s book on Habits.

  2. I have to admit, I’m suffering from the same affliction. Glad to see I’m not the only one.

  3. ‘It could be sometime as simple as buying a dog and walking it when you feel the cues kicking in.’

    You could end up with a lot of dogs that way…

    • Yes, It’s probably better (and cheaper) just to buy one dog and walk it repeatedly rather than buying a new dog in response to the cue in the habit loop every time.

  4. I agree that porn is destructive, there’s just a lot less science behind my stance.

    Like you, my instinct is that porn isn’t good. It makes me weaker physically and conditions my brain to think it’s normal to watch another man take a woman I want.

    A lot of guys don’t put as much importance on instinct, so they need this logic. To borrow from Cernovich’s podcast, Dads “…need a little logic to give their emotion credibility.” You’re doing these Dads a great service here.

    • Lloyd, thanks for commenting and I think you raise a good point that I also heard a slightly different version of recently. A pastor was speaking about porn and said:

      ‘Imagine if you came across a couple in the park and they were going at it. And they said “Hey, you wanna watch? We come here and do this all the time and we love it when people watch us.”

      His point is that I wouldn’t. So why would I watch it on a screen?

      Breaking the habit loop has worked for me. I don’t even desire porn anymore, great if it works for other Dads too.

  5. Brilliant article, tbh I think porn is demeaning to men, I hate having my ‘needs’ dictated through increasingly extreme fads (stuff that was under bday/fetish is now vanilla) and presented through a dehumanising tropes ‘bbc’, ‘slutty blonde’, losers, etc.

    The part about Sexual Transmutation is gold, I read about that in ‘Think and Grow Rich’ but it was rather elusive and unclear at the time. Yup, imagine if I’d applied all that energy in my twenties towards betterment, well don’t want to be lamenting the same thing 10 years from now.

    Cheers mate, not a father (yet) but great and very applicable blog!

    • Hi Jack. Thanks for reading and for your comments. I’m with you: porn is immediately demeaning to men, as is going to a strip bar (let’s not go there!). There’s certainly been an escalation in the sheer amount of hardcore porn genre out there. To be free of that dark (and sometimes comically strange) world is a huge relief.

      I’m glad my bit about transmuation of sexual energy struck a chord. Napoleon Hill is a little vague – probably a sign of his more conservative times. These days I think we need it all spelled out a bit more in black and white. I first heard about sex transmutation from Victor Pride – this article sets it out nicely.

      Thanks for your kind words about the blog. Hopefully it’ll take on a new, deeper meaning when you are a Dad.

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