This post is meant (in part) as a response to the New York Times piece by Andrew Reiner titled ‘The Fear of Having a Son‘.

Although the article covers a lot of ground from third wave feminism to why you should avoid asking leading questions to young boys, one theme stood out.

Male energy.

Reiner explains his fears over having a son. How it was focused on how his son would be bullied on account of the way he would be raised. His greatest fear is this:

Whatever my wife and I tried to do to shape our son’s masculine identity would compete against such cultural norms as a postured indifference to school….. a sports and gaming culture that exalt alpha domination (and aggressive male reflexes); and a tight-lipped John Wayne ethos that breeds alienation and, too often, depression.

(Read the full article here)

This may shock you: but I would agree with Reiner. Sons are a fearful thing indeed. He is right to be afraid.

Like anything capable of generating considerable energy there is deep responsibility within the power that you wield. Think about splitting the atom – you have power to destroy worlds or power life support machines.

It comes down to two things: Choice and direction.

Sons: Like Arrows in a Man’s Hand

So Andrew Reiner was right to be afraid of having a son. Fear is a legitimate emotion when given the responsibility and control us fathers have over something potentially lethal.

I remember the first time I shot a rifle. I’d handled one before, but the placing of the brass shell with the copper jacketed bullet into the chamber changed it from a collection of springs, plastic and metal tubing into a terrifying weapon of destruction.

I felt fear – a deep respect for something powerful being given to me so that I might be its temporary guardian.

Having a son is a bit like giving birth to a loaded rifle.

Rifles can be used for rampages, massacres and mass shootings – the humble AK-47 has killed more people this year than both WW2 ending N-bombs did in 1945.

But a rifle can also put your next meal on the table.

This concept was familiar to the Biblical Psalmist who likened sons to a bunch of arrows in your hand. Lethal weapons if used in the wrong way.

Like arrows in the hand of a warrior
    are the sons of one’s youth.

Or a life giving means to put meat on the table.

The Psalmist knew this fear all too well – his sons would have an impact on the world – but what kind of impact?

Male Energy – Good vs Evil

Sadly, Andrew Reiner paints a depressing image of his understanding of masculinity. It seems at times that only his learnedness and intelligence is enough to save the male race.

Male energy (according to Reiner) is no different to female energy – the only difference is social conditioning.

Sadly a flawed concept when put up against the mirror of our understanding of hormones, thought patterns.

But then I’m only speaking from my limited experience as a man, father of a son and someone who had a strong father, grandfathers and uncles to steer me through my boyhood years. I haven’t had the depth of reading of feminist psychologists that Reiner has.

That said, I hope I can at least be allowed to contribute my two pennies worth. Which is this:

Energy is not evil. In the same way as energy is not good.

It is the use of energy that makes it one or the other: Good or Bad.

When I write in this context I think of male energy. Male energy can be a terrifying thing to behold. I know – I’ve witnessed the limits of male aggression and physicality.

Even in myself, the sheer quantity of energy is frightening and overwhelming. But with great power comes great opportunity.

The opportunity, not to suppress the male energy and psyche, but to harness it for good. Imagine if we could take every kilojoule of male ‘juice’ and put it towards building a better man, family, neighbourhood and society.

Would anything be able to stop us?

who is andrew reiner think piece new york times fear of having a son

Energy, Expression and the Future for Men

I’ve only ever been male. And so I can only ever speak from my own, male biased experiences.

But one thing I do know: I have a lot of energy.

And it’s always been this way. As a boy I remember being put out to the garden to cool off. I’d be bouncing off the walls and my mum would say “RIGHT!! Into the garden for an hour to run off that energy.”

Reluctantly and protesting I would go. What did I do? I don’t remember, but the outdoors was a place of opportunity even in those formative years – of play, danger, wild beasts, sporting conquests and survival – mostly contained within the imagination of a 7 year old boy.

Imagine if the problems that Reiner sees could be encapsulated like this: That male aggression or even depression was a question of misdirection of energy. Male energy.

If we used this as our starting point, would we reach a different conclusion – that boys  (and of course, men) need the opportunity to express their male-ness in a positive way.

What does that expression look like? It should be led by the child. As a boy I spent hours practicing music, singing and even acting.

Recently, I attributed my success in school (through the avoidance of the ‘trouble’ that accompanies a state education) to the redirection of my energies in music, even opera.

Later as a teen I played sports while into my 20’s I wrote, fought and discovered my physical limits through training and fitness.

All of which uses energy.

All of which is constructive and has made me better and is now allowing me to share that with those of you who read this and other websites whose focus is the improvement of you, the reader.

In my son, a young boy, I have considerable control over his activities. We run, wrestle, hike, play, sing, draw and do puzzles together. This all takes our male energy and directs it for good.

And so my concluding thought would be for Andrew Reiner and his supporters. And it’s one of caution.

That you cannot contain energy indefinitely. If you restrict in your son (or any man for that matter) his ability, his need to express himself, you create a pressure cooker effect. That energy will be released at some stage. Your job as a father is to influence it’s use as far as possible. Do it through your own example.

And do it for you son.

Neil

P.S. If you thought this was heartfelt, you’ll enjoy my twice monthly emails.

About Neil M White

Neil has been writing for a number of years. He has worked as a freelance writer both in the UK and internationally and has worked on a number of high profile media projects. Neil spends his spare time hiking, in the gym or hanging out with his family.

7 comments add your comment

  1. Great article!

    Imagine if we could take every kilojoule of male ‘juice’ and put it towards building a better man, family, neighbourhood and society.

    This reminds me of the concept of “transmutation of sexual energy.” The idea that the driving force of male sexuality is highly creative, and very persistent (because men want sex), and if you could redirect that energy into another endeavor, then your efforts in that area would be likewise creative and persistent.

    In the same manner, the limitless energy of a child can and should be redirected in a positive manner. I don’t know if you’ve heard of Grant Cardone – he’s a sales trainer and master salesman – but he talks all the time about how as children we’re told, “DON’T DO THAT! CALM DOWN! YOU CAN’T DO THIS! YOU SHOULDN’T DO THAT! CHILL OUT! BE QUIET!”

    Imagine the damaging effect this has on the rest of our lives, as we are implicitly taught that our natural energies and efforts are somehow bad or wrong.

    Great site! Glad I found it. #Bookmarked.

    • Hi Johnny and thanks for reading and commenting. I’m a big believer in the transmutation of sexual energy theory and I believe I can see it’s effects in men who deny themselves from porn in particular. I haven’t heard of Grant Cardone but I’ll definitely check him out.

  2. Excellent rebuttal Neil, and excellent article in its own right. I feel no need to recap what you’ve already said so eloquently, but here are two point I have to add:

    1. Don’t feel like you’re missing anything by not being as steeped in third-wave feminism literature as Mr. Reiner. You already seem to have a feeling that third-wave feminism is anti-male garbage.
    2. Mr. Reiner seems beholden to that common trend among men who feel inadequate in life, masculinity, or otherwise: He gloms on to femininity and other anti-traditionally male modes of thinking, and instead of acknowledging differences or trying to better himself, he thinks “The Future” is with, and only with, those who think like him. The tip-off was his statement that male and female energy are essentially the same.

    As a father of a son myself, your description of male energy as neither good nor evil resonates. Like with most things in life, it’s all about what you do with it.

    Thanks for the great read Neil!

    • Alex, thanks for your comment and I’m glad you enjoyed it. Yes, I don’t believe that male and female energy are the same or are necessarily expressed in the same way even if there are crossovers. In the context of our sons, it is up to us to teach them how to harness that energy for the power of good.

  3. I have been searching the internet for a blog like this! Thank you for being brave enough to write it.

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