I can pretty much put my finger on the point at which I realised I was growing up. I was half way through running a Parkrun 5k soon after my wife and I had decided to start a family.

It was one of the first true acts of selflessness that I had experienced. As I ran, I saw that this was part of growing up and becoming a man.

Look at the men around you (especially Dads). So many seem to have missed the ‘growing up’ phase and are stuck in a Never-Neverland of manchildhood. These man-children stick out in social groups – all they talk about is the latest Star Wars movie or how many tubs of Ben and Jerry’s they could eat in a sitting.

In times gone by, the age for growing up was 14 (for Spartan warriors, it was much younger). Now, there are men who are 44 who still live like University freshers.

That’s why I’ve compiled this list. Some of it is autobiographical – just in case you think I’m here to preach. Some of it are real pet peeves of mine. They aren’t in order of importance, just in the order I thought of them.

And to balance out any negativity, I’ve written 5 things you should be doing instead. Keep reading and I’ll show you the way.

1. Staying up late

If you work a steady job and have to get up early for kids or work or both but you’re staying up late to watch X-files re-runs guess what? You’re an idiot.

Staying up late resulting in disrupted sleep patterns is the fastest way to:

• Mess up your body’s natural sleep rhythm
• Lower your energy levels resulting in lower productivity
• Reduce your testosterone levels and…
• Gain weight

In short: staying up late is going to give you poor sleep, less energy, less muscle, less sex and more of a dad bod.

Now those box-set marathons are starting to sound like a bad idea. Instead you should be aiming for 7-8 hours of quality sleep per night.

If you need to get up early (sometimes I’m up at 5 am to do cardio), guess what? You need to go to bed earlier to get those sleep hours in.

2. Drinking Flavoured Lattes

Scan down the list. Then come straight back to this point.

Notice anything? They are all fairly general. Drinking flavoured lattes is uber-specific. So why have I singled this out?

There are a few reasons. Firstly my love of coffee.

Since the age of 12 (no joke) I’ve drunk strong black coffee. Beautiful, bitter coffee that tastes so good and feels even better. I have an espresso machine that I use daily.

I’ve even had semi-spiritual experiences involving Ethiopian restaurants, coffee, incense and a dark African evening – another story for another time.

Adding espresso to warm milk while squirting it with flavoured syrups is the antithesis of my love of the roasted bean.

But it’s not just a grumpy gripe.

A skinny flavoured latte packs 200 calories on a good day.

Have one every day for a month and you had an extra 5600 calories. Over a year that’s 67,200 calories in milky, syrupy rubbish. Not only did you ruin a good shot of espresso, you got fat too.

If black coffee is too bitter for you, you could try not being a teenager. Or use a sweetener like stevia.

3. Like Totally Getting Wasted (bro)

I’m going to be the last person to judge a young person’s drinking habits. I’ve done enough self-destructive drinking to last me this lifetime.

But if you’re a Dad with a little bit of self respect you shouldn’t be getting wasted at the weekend with your ‘Guy Friends’.

I read a post recently that referred to this as ‘Guyhood’ – man-children who get stuck in the twilight zone between adolescence and adulthood.

They still think it’s acceptable to be going out partying, doing shots and generally behaving like a bunch of louts when they should absolutely know better.

Heavy drinking doesn’t just make you look like an idiot in front of real people, it also will have an impact on your health including:

• Lowered testosterone
• Increased signs of ageing
• Weight gain (search for ‘calories in one beer’)

Maybe at one time in your life, it felt like it was worth all those things. For me, those days have long gone.

4. Lifting Weights with Your Ego

I train in a University gym and let me tell you, I see some sights. One of the worst is young guys who stalk the gym like they’re the next Jim Wendler.

Except they have 12 inch arms, and a chest that even the fluffiest hoodie can’t disguise.

Looking around, they wander up to the squat rack, add 2x their body weight and grind out 2 reps with abysmal form before repeating on the deadlift, bench press, pull up bar.

(Just kidding – I stopped being able to watch at ‘deadlift’.)

This is called Ego-Lifting – when you aren’t skilled or strong enough to lift the weight. So you bang out the reps any way possible. It’s what 19 year old newbies do. Which is why you shouldn’t.

Even if you’re new to the gym, take full advantage of your years of wisdom and maturity to not give a flying monkey about what other people think.

Focus on your weights and your goals. Lift properly and with good form. The alternative is injury. Or looking like a complete loser (take your pick).

5. Training Unitelligently

This is connected to point 4. But also different. Training unintelligently means your fitness or gym regime has no direction, no focus. You go in, mess around in the gym then leave.

Or you go long distance running three times a week because you think that’s a good way to stay lean and fit (clue: it’s not).

Men who train without intelligence don’t have a programme at the gym or even really know why they’re there. If this is you, then it ends here. Now.

If you think I’m lecturing you, good. I am. I’m also speaking from experience. My training was without direction or progression for years. I made no gains in strength or muscle. I couldn’t do a single pull up or bench my own bodyweight.

Get on a programme – any one will do (I like Jim Wendler 531). Base it around lifting heavy stuff and eating properly (see below) and you’ll see results in a few weeks. Or you could just keep doing what you’re doing and look the same.

Forever.

6. Retail Therapy

Shopping for new stuff feels good doesn’t it? You open up the Amazon shopping app, hit your Wishlist and tap away like there’s no tomorrow.

Except there is a tomorrow.

And tomorrow you’ll get the bill.

And realise that you didn’t need to buy those Pokemon GO glasses with free transfer tattoos.

Or that your son is only 2 years old and can’t work a NERF gun for another 3 years or so.

But it felt good, didn’t it? That’s because shopping for new stuff releases chemicals in your brain like endorphins and dopamine that makes you feel happy and relaxed all at the same time. A lot like being on drugs.

Which is exactly what retailers want you to feel. That’s why shopping malls exist: so they can keep you in there with restaurants, soft play areas and bars until you HAVE NO MONEY LEFT.

Retail therapy is a real thing. The stores know this and they’ve just prescribed you with a full course.

As a young Dad, you’re also one of their key targets. They can literally sell you anything from baby accessories to designer watches.

What should you do instead? Resistance is hard, if not futile. You could try a complete mindset shift 180 on money like that described in Gorilla Mindset (Money is a Mindset). Stop seeing money as something to ‘buy stuff with’.

Instead, see it as the means to all kinds of freedom. You’ll never buy an expensive trinket ever again.

7. Looking at Porn

You’re in your 30s and you still look at porn? What are you? A 17 year old high school student?

Do you know what engaging with porn does to your body and mind? Have you ever added up the time and energy you spend hunched over your phone or laptop screen?

Pornography isn’t demeaning to women (they get paid you know). Its demeaning to YOU. You’re demeaning yourself. Stop it. Have some self respect.

Stop for yourself, not for anyone else.

(Hint: I wrote about this already. It’s a popular post too.)

What if you could divert that time and energy into building something instead?

Something like a website, or a business. Or doing freelancing work, maintaining your garden (see below) or building your body.

Would that be a better or worse use of your time?

This is called transmutation of sexual energy. It’s a powerful weapon and can be used to achieve truly astounding and great things in your life if you let it.

8. Spending Money on Vanity

It’s estimated that men spend £14 billion every year on beauty products and treatments.

That’s more than the Gross Domestic Product of Chad.

Now let me explain myself – I’m not hating on men who want to look good. Basic hygiene and skin care is a must. Regular washing, shaving, mosturising – I’m fully on board with that.

But I’d draw the line at hair removal or treatments, tanning, or botox and cosmetic surgery. If you’re in a stable relationship, those things have limited worth.

Do you really get a return on investment of having slightly darker skin? Admittedly, it improves the look of muscles. But if you live in Western Europe (like me) or nowhere near a beach, that’s money you could be spending on other things.

9. Forgetting to Vote

I stuck this in because right now in the UK we seem to have an election every month. I was speaking to a male friend of mine who revealed that he had forgotten to vote.

That’s right. He’d forgotten.

I’m not sure what was more important to him than exercising his God-given right to choose his future government (it’s possible he didn’t say).

That’s a pretty serious omission for a functioning member of society. Wars have been fought and men and women died over the right to vote.

Many still don’t have that right. Or live in places where the whole thing is rigged anyway. Voting takes 2 minutes.

Your grandfather’s generation sacrificed to uphold our country and way of life. If you don’t do it for yourself, do it for them.

10. Having Long Lies in Bed

If you’re a Dad, the ship sailed a while ago. But it may come back in a few years once your hyperactive toddlers morph into moody teenagers.

So firstly, stop complaining about how sleep deprived you are and how you miss your long lies. They weren’t doing you any good anyway (optimum sleep is 7-9 hours, remember??)

Then think about what you can do with those early starts? Could you get up before the kids, do some exercise, or some work? Maybe a bit of Wim Hof breathing?

Having differing waking up and bed times also messes with your circadian rhythm (aka body clock). Your quality of sleep will go down and you’ll be more restless and sleepy during they day.

I remember when getting up at 7.15am was a drag. Now I’ll bound out of bed at 5.45 ready to take on the world. You’re body will adjust quickly, you’ll sleep better

11. Neglecting your Garden

There seems to be this fad that I can’t quite understand: That it’s ‘cool’ to have an untidy, unkempt garden.

This is fine if you’re a filthy student in a house share (maybe even then, it’s a push), but you’re not. You’re an adult and a messy garden reflects poorly on you.

I have a sizeable front and rear yard. I spend enough time in there to keep it tidy and looking good without going mad or being obsessive.

I take pride in how my lawn looks (I’m self taught – it’s all in books or on YouTube so no excuses) and I’ve got a few fruit trees and flowing plants to keep thinks looking useful and attractive.

If you don’t like the manicured lawns, you could start preparing for the upcoming apocalypse. It’s your choice. Either way, have some respect for your property and keep it clean and tidy.

12. Relying on One Income Stream

I just finished reading Choose Yourself by James Altucher. I was already coming round to his way of thinking but I’m pretty much sold. It’s too risky to be depending on your day job for all your income.

That attitude is a hangover from when there were jobs for life and 100% security. Those days are over. If you’re in your 30s you can expect to be laid off or maybe even homeless (I’ve been both – not fun) at some point in your life.

That will sting – but if you have other irons in the fire, it won’t matter so much. I’m not going to tell you what you should do but there are plenty of options:

• Get a second job
• Invest intelligently
• Manage rental properties
• Do some freelancing work
• Start your own sideline business
• Become a personal trainer/fitness coach

Being resilient means you are able to withstand life’s challenges and set backs and keep going. Having different sources of income is a key part of that.

13. Watching too Much Sports

This is me: I love sports. I’ve been in love with sport since my mum sat me down in front of a televised rugby game aged 4. I was enthralled and even became emotional at the end. Since then, I’ve watched a variety of sports – too many to list here.

Around 18 months ago, I was at ‘Peak Sports’. I was watching everything that interested me from road cycling to American football highlights and everything in between.

But it was too much.

I finally figured it out when doing my Gorilla Mindset life audit. I saw for the first time how much sport I was watching.

I didn’t quit. I just said:

“I will only watch sporting events where I REALLY care about the outcome.”

BAM! – I hardly watch sports at all now. It turns out I didn’t really care about results or the athletes. I was just filling in time. These days I’ve got far too many things I’d rather be doing – reading a book, writing this article or learning a new skill.

Right now the Olympics are on. 4 years ago I watched everything I could. I even had it streaming live on my work computer. Now, it’s ‘meh’. I appreciate the athletes efforts. But I’m not going to watch them for hours.

14. Watching too much TV

This is connected to the previous point but also separate. Yes, there’s lots of sports on TV, but there’s also plenty of junk and re-runs.

Vapid shows and ‘reality’ programmes are just filler. Think about it: if someone wanted to keep you stupid, they’d make you watch reality TV wouldn’t they?

Now there are whole channels devoted to ‘fly-on-the-wall’ garbage, game shows and comedy re-runs that you’ve seen hundreds of times.

If I added up all the hours I wasted watching ‘Friends’ repeats when I was younger, I’d be shocked. So I try not to think about it.

When I lived in East Africa, I didn’t have TV. Heck, I didn’t even have electricity most of the time. That’s when I started reading the classics and writing. That was time well spent.

Here’s an easy tip. If there’s nothing useful or educational on, turn it off and do something else instead. I’d suggest:

• Reading a book
• Writing a book
• Exercising
• Learning a new skill or language
• Sorting out personal finances/admin

Studies have shown that having a TV in your bedroom is a complete no-no. It reduces the quality of your sleep. The same goes for your kids. Keep TVs and lap tops in communal parts of the house until they’re old enough to make good choices.

15. Eating like a Ten Year Old

There’s a great meme from T-nation.com which says “The best ab exercise is 5 sets of ‘STOP EATING SO MUCH CRAP’”.

Or better yet, imagine this: a ten year old kid has free reign to eat what ever they want, whenever they want. What do you think is going to happen (Dads with 10 year-olds can fill in the blanks)?

Now look at your own diet. Does it represent a grown man who wants to live a long and healthy life? Or are you like the proverbial kid in a candy store?

That doesn’t mean cut out all junk. I love a treat now and then. But your meals should be based around meats, whole foods, green vegetables, salad, plain rice and fish. Save the pizza and chips for Saturday night. And leave the ice cream in the store.

5 Things You Can Do Instead

I think we managed to keep that all fairly positive. But just in case you feel like you’re bathing in a vat of negativity, here are five things you can do instead. Yes some of these have been covered earlier on but many of you will read this bit before the other 14 ½ points.

Plus they’re important.

1. Read More

A lot of the ’15 things’ involve wasting your time. You can kill, waste and spend time. But you can’t make any more of it. So use it wisely.

One of the most productive things you can do is to read. And I don’t mean blogs (not even this one). I’m talking about good old fashioned papery books.

I have a rule for what I read: Will I learn something? If the answer is yes, I’ll read it. If not, it stays in the store. Junky airport fiction is virtually valueless. Focus instead on classics, non-fiction and a bit of historical fiction (if you must).

2. Get More Sleep

I was watching an interview between Mike Cernovich and James Altucher. In it Altucher said ‘Everyone can get 8 hours of sleep’.

And he’s right. Everyone can get more sleep. All you need to do is (wait for it…) go to bed earlier. Turn off the TV, the computer and your phone and hit the sack.

I came up with a new rule after spending hours tweeting when I was in bed: When I go upstairs, my phone is in flight mode. I get more reading done (see above) and I sleep better without the stimulation of the little blue and white birdie.

3. Pay Attention to What goes in your Mouth

How many people do you see who eat mindlessly. It’s as if they are in some kind of trance as they shovel junk food into their groaning bodies. I witnessed this on a train once. A lady in her 40s at half a tube of chocolate biscuits while staring out the window.

The train wasn’t even moving.

This idea applies to food AND drink. Soft drinks are full of calories as are processed fruit juices and alcohol.

Think about what you’re eating and drinking. Does it satisfy a mental craving? Or is it going to nourish your body and give you energy.

4. Focus on the Emotional and Spiritual

Emotional and spiritual energy is so often neglected in an age of smartphones and entertainment on demand.

What if you spent 15-30 minutes a day focusing on your own emotional and spiritual wellbeing. That might be going for a walk, doing some Wim Hof breathing or spending a bit of time in prayer or meditation.

You’d feel better wouldn’t you? And it wouldn’t be time wasted. You’d be more energised and ready to be the best man (and Dad) you can be. The question is this – can you afford not to?

5. Create more energy

How do you create more energy? There are two ways: create energy in yourself and create it in others.

Yourself might seem the easiest one to achieve – eating and sleeping right as well as minimising stress will all help. Live an organised and disciplined life. Regularly audit your life, friends and activities. What stays and what goes?

You create energy for others by being positive. Giving more than you get or without expectation. Look at people you admire for having a mindset of abundance. How do they make you feel? Now how do you do that for others?

Closing Thoughts

I’m on the same journey as you and if you’re reading this, we’re traveling together. Many of the ’15 things’ I’ve either overcome recently or still struggle with myself. But I’m keeping it real so we can grow together.

Constantly review your life and your habits. Keep what is constructive and builds you up and ditch everything else. Just like you clear out your house, take time to clear out your life every now and then.

I’m already getting awesome and inspirational emails from men who’ve read this website and have been inspired to make changes in their lives. Keep em coming. It’s what makes all of this worthwhile.

Neil

 

P.S. BOOM!! That was a long post. I write emails too but they tend to be shorter (but just as entertaining). If that sounds good, sign up here. Plus I’ll send you a free gift (cos I’m abundant, remember?)